


Alone

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Graphic depiction of drug abuse, Hallucinations, Homelessness, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Not Happy, Prostitution, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-20 07:07:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4778108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the truth about Katie is revealed; Robert is exiled and turns to a very different life to try and forget the ghosts of his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In sorry for the layout it was supposed to be multiple chapters but I'm making it just two because I wanted to get it out there. It's posted on my phone so I'm sorry for any mistakes!

It started when Victoria pushed him away and told him to never speak to her again. Everything had come out about Katie, the truth about everything that had happened. Robert had managed to keep himself out of prison but Andy, Diane and finally Victoria had all turned their back on him. He'd tried to keep his chin up and ignore them but it didn't last long. Nights blurred into days and then back into nights as he drank and smoked; heading to bars and going home with anyone that would take him. He didn't want to be himself anymore. Most of all he didn't want to be alone. With no one answering his calls or even talking to him he had to find comfort elsewhere and the bottom of a whiskey bottle seemed to hold it. It all changed when he went home with a man he'd met in a bar in Leeds; they were kissing on the sofa and the man pulled away; reaching into his jacket and pulling out a small bag of white powder,  
"Fancy a favour?"  
Robert had frozen; weighing up the options in his mind, scared to say yes but too desperate to say no. He tried to push all thoughts out and focused on the man before him; watching him carefully as he poured the powder onto a magazine and cut it into four lines. He pulled a five pound note from his wallet and quickly snorted two of the lines before sitting back and wiping his nose,  
"Go on."  
Robert took the rolled up note and looked at the man,  
"Don't worry, you'll feel great."  
He slid his hand up Roberts thigh and whispered in his ear,  
"I'll take care of you."  
Robert swallowed and leaned down; snorting the first line and squeezing his eyes shut as the chalky powder went down his throat. He swallowed and grimaced at the taste. He opened his eyes as he snorted the second line and sat up. The man smiled and kissed him, pulling away slightly to wipe the powder left beneath his nose,  
"Good boy."  
Robert dropped the note,  
"What's gonna happen?"  
The man pushed Robert back on the sofa,  
"I'm gonna make you see stars."

After that night it became a regular occurrence. Robert would go to bars; find someone, go back to theirs and they would do whatever drug Robert could get his hands on. It lasted a few weeks before anyone at home noticed. He'd not slept for a couple of days and had a craving for whiskey. He stumbled into the pub and; ignoring the stares and whispering, made his way to the bar.  
"What are you doing here?"  
He rifled through his wallet and slammed a twenty on the counter,  
"Just give me a whiskey...hold the comments yeah?"  
Chas looked him up and down,  
"I'm not serving you."  
Robert glared at her,  
"My money not good enough for you?"  
A hand appeared on his shoulder,  
"I think it's best if you leave mate yeah?"  
He yanked his arm back from Adam's touch,  
"I'm not your mate. This is my family's pub and I want a drink. I have the money-"  
"You're not welcome here."  
He looked around at Andy,  
"Oh great. The fun police are here."  
Andy looked him up and down,  
"Look at yourself. You're a disgrace."  
Robert scoffed,  
"I'm the disgrace? Look around you mate I'm not the disgrace here."  
He looked around at everyone staring at him and sniffed; grabbing the twenty from the counter,  
"Fine. Don't wanna drink in this piss poor excuse for a pub anyway."  
He shoved the money in his pocket and stormed out. He pulled his phone out and phoned someone who had sold him some coke the week before and set up a deal before heading to his car.

Robert snorted another line and sat back. He looked up at the man before him and frowned,  
"What was your name again?"  
The man picked up the mirror they'd been using to cut lines on and snorted one,  
"Ugh....Jason."  
Robert nodded,  
"Jason...you up for another round?"  
The man smiled at him and put the mirror down,  
"Got a condom?"  
"Got another gram?"  
Jason straddled Robert and kissed his neck. Robert closed his eyes and swallowed,  
"Really? Him?"  
Roberts eyes flew open at the voice and he saw Aaron leaning against the doorway,  
"Aaron?"  
Jason moved,  
"No. It's Jason I just told you."  
Robert looked at him; glancing over to the door and finding it empty. He swallowed,  
"Sorry. Yeah."  
Jason kissed him and positioned himself to sink back down on Roberts cock,  
"Wow...you're really doing this."  
Robert looked over to see Aaron in a squatting position looking at him,  
"What are doing?"  
Jason grinned,  
"Mmm riding you."  
Robert looked at the man and nodded,  
"Yeah. Yeah keep doing that."  
Aaron appeared closer to him,  
"Yeah Jason...keep doing that."  
Robert jumped and looked between Aaron and swallowed again,  
"You don't...you can't see him?"  
Jason looked around and laughed,  
"Christ...how high are you?"  
Robert shook his head,  
"I don't..."  
He rubbed his face and Jason laughed again,  
"I'll make you only see me."  
Robert scrunched his eyes shut and gripped Jason's hips as he rode him. Ignoring the voice of Aaron as did.

"You gonna sleep all day?"  
Robert frowned and opened his eyes; Aaron was sitting in a chair beside him,  
"Jesus Christ."  
Aaron held his hands out,  
"Nope."  
Robert rolled over and pulled the duvet up over his head,  
"You're not real."  
"I'm not?"  
Robert lowered the duvet and looked at him. He sat up slowly and rubbed his face; reaching for his watch to check the time.  
"You've missed work...and a couple of showers apparently."  
Robert looked at the man and stood up,  
"I need a drink."  
He walked past Aaron and stopped; reaching out to touch him. When his hand hit nothing he laughed,  
"Great. I'm insane."  
He walked out of the bedroom and wandered to the kitchen; he poured a glass of water and downed it thirstily.  
"Surprised it's not a line of coke again. That's your favourite now isn't it?"  
"Whatever you are...leave me the hell alone."  
Aaron leant against the fridge,  
"You don't know do you?"  
Robert dropped his head,  
"What?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"I'm a ghost. Aaron's died."  
Robert spun round,  
"What?!"  
Aaron laughed,  
"I'm just kidding. Aaron's fine. Probably. I don't know. I'm in your head."  
He tapped the side of his own head,  
"Someone's a bit crazy."  
Robert rubbed his face,  
"Great. Just what I need."  
Aaron folded his arms,  
"No what you need is another line. Another tablet. Another toke."  
Robert looked over at him,  
"Shut up."  
Aaron shrugged,  
"You imagined me. You shut me up."  
Robert groaned and headed back to bed; collapsing into it and pulling the duvet over himself to block the sound of Aaron's voice.

Robert blinked several times, trying to clear his mind. He reached for his beer and emptied it before throwing the can across the room. He reached for the little bag of coke and lifted it up. He glanced over to the sleeping woman in the bed next to him and grimaced slightly before climbing to his feet.  
"Had enough of men then?"  
Robert met Aaron's eye,  
"You're back. Figured I'd drunk you away."  
"Can't drink away your mind Rob."  
Robert scoffed and poured a small pile of coke onto his hand before snorting it. He pinched his nose shut and swallowed,  
"Why are you here?"  
Aaron shrugged,  
"That's really more for you to answer. Not me."  
Robert grabbed his underwear and pulled it on.  
"So go on...what's this ones name?"  
Robert looked at the woman and sniffed,  
"Ellie....or...Rachel."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Nice. You're a real class act."  
"Shut up."  
The woman stirred and Robert grabbed his jeans,  
"She's gonna leave you too you know."  
He turned his head to Aaron,  
"What?"  
"When she realises how...disgusting you are. She's gonna leave. And you're gonna be alone. Always alone aren't ya?"  
Robert frowned,  
"You're not real."  
Robert dressed quickly and left the house; zipping his jacket up and heading down the road,  
"Do you ever wonder? Why it's me I mean?"  
Robert shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to ignore him,  
"I mean there's gotta be a reason you're imagining me...or him...instead of like, Vic. Or your Dad."  
He laughed,  
"Can you imagine how awkward that woulda been with you ploughing that guy and you look up and see your Dad? Unless you like that. Could be worse I suppose. Could be Katie."  
Robert stopped and wiped his face,  
"I need a drink."  
"'I need a drink. I need a drink' Christ do you ever change the record?"  
Robert looked at him and sighed before walking again. He got his phone out and dialled a number; avoiding Aaron's eye as he pressed call.

"My entire family hates me."  
Robert passed the joint back over as he spoke; holding his breath then blowing a line of smoke above his head. The man he passed it to took a drag and looked at him,  
"Whys that?"  
Robert took the joint and tapped it. He held it in his fingers and wet his lips,  
"I killed my sister in law."  
He took a deep drag and looked over to the shocked looking man,  
"Jesus."  
Robert nodded,  
"It was an accident. But they uh..."  
He blew smoke out,  
"They hate me for it."  
The man thought for a moment,  
"Why?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"Hm?"  
"Why'd you kill her?"  
Robert sighed,  
"She wanted to destroy it. Wanted to take him from me. She always had it against me."  
He sniffed and rubbed his nose,  
"So what happened?"  
Robert shrugged,  
"I tried to keep him. Didn't matter though. Lost him anyway."  
He scoffed as a tear fell from his eye and he wiped it away quickly,  
"He hates me too. Probably hates me the most to be honest."  
The man looked at him for a moment then pulled him in for a kiss,  
"I don't hate you."  
"No?"  
The man kissed him again,  
"Guess you wanna forget for a while then?"  
Robert glanced over at Aaron who was leaning against the wall,  
"Yeah I wanna forget."  
The man glanced to where Robert was looking and frowned,  
"You alright mate?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"Yeah...yeah fine."  
He sniffed and took another drag of the joint,  
"I need a drink."  
The man took the joint and stood up,  
"I got something better than that."  
He pulled a bag from a drawer and turned around,  
"It'll make all the pain go away."  
Robert sat up,  
"What..."  
He watched as the man pulled out a small bag of brown powder and a spoon, followed by a piece of rubber tube and a syringe,  
"No. No I don't do that."  
Robert tried to clamber to his feet only to have the man pull him back down,  
"Relax. It's fine...I do it all the time. Listen to me. It'll make you...forget. Make those ghosts go away."  
Robert swallowed,  
"I've never..."  
"I'll show you. We'll do it together."  
Robert sat down and nodded,  
"Okay..."  
"Don't do it."  
Robert turned his back on Aaron and watched as the man prepared the drug. He held the syringe in his hand,  
"Ready?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"Y-yeah."  
The man rolled Roberts sleeve up and handed him some of the rubber tubing,  
"Tie it round."  
Robert did as he was told and the man helped him find the vein before tying his own.  
"Right here okay?"  
He pressed a kiss to Roberts arm and handed him the syringe.  
"Ready?"  
Robert swallowed again,  
"Yeah."  
He watched as the man picked up his own syringe,  
"Wait...what-what's your name again?"  
The man looked at him and smiled,  
"Name's Aaron mate. Remember?"  
Robert felt his chest clench and nodded. He watched as the man showed him where to slide the needle in and they did at the same time. He glanced over to Aaron in the corner; gasping as he disappeared the moment the drugs hit his system.

Robert pushed the plunger down and closed his eyes; he felt the immediate hit of the drug and dropped the syringe onto the floor. He reached up slowly and touched his face before slumping forward.  
"Robert."  
He forced his eyes open,  
"Robert?"  
He pushed himself up slowly and looked around at the empty room. He didn't know how much time had passed but the room had grown dark,  
"Heh."  
He pulled the tourniquet from around his arm and hugged himself. He looked around again,  
"Are you here?"  
Finding the room empty and dropped his head back against the wall,  
"I miss you. S'crazy right? Missing a ghost."  
He rubbed his nose and looked around for his beer. He grabbed the can and took a gulp,  
"Ugh."  
He wiped his mouth and stumbled to his feet; lurching forward and grabbing the wall before laughing and wiping his face again,  
"Fucking prick. Leaves me alone now. Fuck him. Don't need him."  
He stood straight and looked around,  
"Where are my clothes?"  
He saw his clothes on the bed and made his way slowly, stopping to lean against the wall and wipe his nose. His mind wandered and he stood for a few moments before sniffing and standing straight,  
"Don't need anyone. Don't have anyone anyway. Fucking arseholes. Call themselves family? WELL WHERE ARE YA?"  
He collapsed onto the bed and rolled onto his side; curling up into the foetal position and holding his clothes to his body. He buried his face into his shirt and closed his eyes,  
"I want my mum."  
He gripped the shirt tightly as he cried himself to sleep.

"Why are you here?"  
Robert opened his eyes slowly; blinking against the light and shielding his face,  
"What?"  
He groaned when he saw it was Aaron talking to him,  
"Oh god piss off."  
He sat up slowly and wiped his nose; searching around for his stash.  
"You should go home."  
Robert looked at him and shook his head; pouring some coke onto his hand and snorting it. He pinched his nose and coughed then reached for a cigarette,  
"I don't have a home anymore."  
He blew smoke above his head and pinched the bridge of his nose,  
"Why are you still here?"  
Robert looked around,  
"What's wrong with here? Not to your standards?"  
Robert smirked at Aaron and took another drag,  
"Why am I even talking to you? You're not real."  
He climbed to his feet and tried to keep his balance before giving up and falling against the wall. A sharp pain in his stomach made him groan and he took a few deep breaths before wiping his mouth and taking another drag of his cigarette,  
"You're a mess."  
Robert looked at him,  
"And you're a goddamn figment of my imagination. Now piss off."  
He grabbed his jacket and pulled it on before leaving the flat.  
"Go home Rob."  
Robert flicked his cigarette away and walked down the road,  
"Go home."  
He stopped and spun round,  
"FUCK OFF."  
The person behind him jumped and crossed the road quickly,  
"I'm sorry! Sorry..."  
He waved them away and turned back to see Aaron stood before him,  
"Go home."  
Robert looked at him for a moment,  
"I told you. I don't have a home."  
He walked past Aaron and made his way slowly down the road.

Aaron tried the next number on the list. His leg rocking with nerves as the call rang out.  
"Anything?"  
Victoria stood in the doorway with a phone against her ear,  
"No. Not yet. I'll try again in a bit. I got other numbers to call. What have the police said?"  
She closed her eyes for a moment and sniffed,  
"I'm on bloody hold."  
Aaron hung up the phone and grabbed the list of numbers,  
"I'll keep trying Vic. Someone's gotta have seen him."  
She nodded then sniffed again,  
"Yeah I'm still here. His phone's been off for eight days. I've already told you this. 29. No...no...ugh I don't know! Yes...thanks."  
She hung up,  
"For nothing. Stupid cow."  
She sat heavily next to Aaron and put her head in her hands,  
"Where is he Aaron?"  
Aaron put his arm around her,  
"We'll find him Vic."  
He kissed her head and closed his eyes,  
"We'll find him."

 

 

Robert didn't know where he was; couldn't remember the name- or didn't care to. He wasn't sure which it was anymore. All he did know was that he needed more drugs. He hadn't slept in almost a week except for the times when he was in a haze. The sharp sting of the needle before the blissful silence as the drug hit his system was the only thing he cared about. Those few seconds before he was fully conscious were the best of his day, those seconds when Aaron's voice sounded almost real and he could pretend that he was happy. Once he opened his eyes and found himself on another dirty mattress in another strangers house everything changed again. He was alone. And he had to find the next fix before the thoughts of ending it all came back. 

He glanced into the mirror and regretted it. He looked like shit and he knew it; but the man currently pounding into him didn't seem to care and the crumpled notes that he slid into Roberts hand were helping him disappear into another place until he could get away. It wasn't the first time he'd sold it. Once he ran out of funds he'd started selling things; his phone being the first thing to go. He found it easier to have no communication than to stare at the screen that showed no one was trying to contact him. He dropped his head and gripped the money tighter as the man pressed fingers into his hips and came with a shudder. He'd offered Robert more money to screw him without a condom but Robert didn't particularly want a strangers load inside him all day and he'd refused. The man pulled out and pushed a hand through Roberts hair,  
"Feel free to find me again if you want another go."  
Robert met his eye in the mirror and pulled his jeans up before leaving the bathroom and walking quickly to find someone to hook him up with his next escape.

"I don't understand why you're even bothering. Let him rot."  
Victoria looked at him in shock,  
"He's my brother. He's your bro-"  
Andy slammed his fist on the table; making Victoria start,  
"HE IS NOT MY BROTHER."  
He stood up,  
"He murdered my wife then he went back to his wedding. He let me find her body and he did nothing."  
A tear fell down Victoria's cheek,  
"That...it was an accident. A terrible accident and I am so sorry it happened....but he's never done this before. I think he's in trouble. I need to find him."  
Andy looked at her and shook his head,  
"He's dead to me. And if you stick by him...then you're dead too."  
Victoria gasped as more tears fell,  
"Andy...Andy please...I can't abandon him."  
Andy swallowed and nodded,  
"That's your decision."  
He turned and left her standing alone.

Robert sniffed again; snot dripped down his face but he ignored it; he was too busy concentrating on getting the liquid into the syringe. He grabbed the tourniquet as he held the syringe in his mouth and checked his arms for a vein he could use. His once clear skin now riddled with track marks and scratches. He huffed in frustration when he couldn't find one and started checking his hands instead. He made a fist when he did and took the syringe from his mouth. He bit his lip as he concentrated and slid the needle into his hand. The second it hit his system he closed his eyes; dropping the syringe on the floor and slowly falling forward until he slumped against the dirty floor.

"Rob?"  
Robert opened his eyes and blinked the room into focus,  
"Rob?"  
He rolled over and pushed himself up onto all fours,  
"Where the fuck am I?"  
He sat up on his knees and looked around at the room he was in. A man was asleep on a mattress and their clothes were scattered around the room.  
"Rob?"  
He turned around but found the room empty and he rubbed his face; wiping the snot and drool onto his bare stomach. He shivered slightly and climbed to his feet; shakily walking toward the mattress and collapsing onto it. He sat with his head in his hands and tried to take deep breaths. Arms appeared around Robert and he started,  
"Shhh it's just me."  
He turned his head to see Aaron kissing his shoulder,  
"Aaron."  
The man looked at him for a moment and pushed a hand through his hair,  
"Yeah...yeah it's Aaron."  
Robert reached out and cupped his face,  
"You came back?"  
He nodded,  
"Yeah I came back."  
Tears blurred Roberts vision as he smiled,  
"You forgive me?"  
He nodded,  
"Of course I forgive you."  
Robert nodded as the tears fell down his cheeks,  
"I'm so sorry."  
"Shhh shhh."  
Robert shook his head,  
"I just want you back. I was good with you. I was good."  
The man nodded and kissed him. Robert gasped slightly and cupped his face as he kissed him back before pulling away and looking at the man. He jerked away quickly and looked around,  
"You're not Aaron."  
The man shrugged,  
"I can be Aaron if you want."  
Robert scrambled away; falling onto the floor as he did,  
"You're not Aaron."  
He wiped his nose and shook his head.  
"He's not coming back."  
The man reached over and grabbed his pack of cigarettes,  
"So what?"  
Robert grabbed his head and gasped,  
"What have I done? What have I done? Oh god...oh god I did it. I did it I ruined everything. I ruined everything. Oh Jesus."  
The man scoffed at him,  
"I don't have time for this."  
He grabbed his jeans and pulled them on before picking up his shirt and leaving Robert rocking slowly on the floor as he sobbed.

Robert opened his eyes and looked at the empty room,  
"Aaron?"  
He looked around and dropped his head as he cried,  
"Please come back."  
He covered his face and shook,  
"Robert."  
He dropped his hands and stopped at the sight of Aaron standing before him,  
"Make it go away. Please make it go away."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"I'm not real. You know I'm not real."  
Robert shook his head and pulled his knees to his chest,  
"I don't want to do this anymore. I just want it to stop."  
He looked at Aaron,  
"Stay with me. Please stay with me." Aaron sat beside him and he curled up on his side; closing his eyes and resting his head on Aaron's lap.  
"I can feel you here."  
He closed his eyes and tried to hold on to the feel of Aaron beneath him before it slipped away and he was aware of how alone he was.

"He turned his phone off two weeks ago. We haven't heard from his since. His flat hasn't been touched he's just...have you seen him?"  
Aaron couldn't meet Victoria's eye as he talked on the phone. They'd been phoning every person they could think of to try and find Robert.  
They'd been up for three days straight phoning hospitals and shelters in the surrounding areas to try and locate the man.  
"Right no...can you...can you call me if you see or hear from him at all? Thanks."  
He hung up and rubbed his face before turning around slowly.  
"They haven't seen him have they?"  
He met Victoria's eye and shook his head,  
"No...no I'm sorry."  
Victoria covered her mouth and sat down heavily,  
"He's dead isn't he? Oh god I told him I hated him and now he's dead."  
Aaron dropped down in front of her and took her hands,  
"No...no listen. We...we still have that lead in Leeds yeah? Someone saw him."  
Victoria tipped her head back,  
"Aaron that was days ago, he's not coming back. Oh god..."  
Aaron took a breath,  
"No...okay no. He's not dead. We will find him."  
He got back up and grabbed his phone,  
"Where are you going?"  
"To look again."  
"Aaron?"  
He slammed the door shut as he headed out.

Robert gripped his stomach as he gagged and retched again.  
"You're not getting any better."  
He spat into the bowl and looked over,  
"I just...I just need the drugs."  
He tried to get up on his knees and cried out in pain before falling to the floor.  
"It's gonna kill you."  
He looked at Aaron,  
"Help me."  
Aaron smirked,  
"How? I keep telling you...I'm not real. I'm you."  
Robert rolled onto his stomach and groaned,  
"Fu-u-u-uck."  
He clambered up and threw up into the toilet again.  
"Maybe you should kill yourself."  
Robert looked at him,  
"What?"  
Aaron shrugged,  
"I mean no one's coming for you. No one cares. Your only friend is imaginary. You should do it."  
Robert shook his head and spat into the toilet again.  
"Come on. No more pain. No more loneliness. No more wishing you could take it all back. They'll be free of you. Free of your poison. And you'll be free."  
Robert sat back and nodded slowly,  
"How?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"You have a gun. In the flat."  
"Yeah."  
Aaron sat beside him,  
"I'll be with you. You can go somewhere quiet."  
Robert blinked,  
"The barn."  
He looked at Aaron,  
"The barn."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Come on then."  
Robert nodded again,  
"It'll make everything better right?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"It'll make it all better. I promise."  
Robert got to his feet slowly and looked around at the empty room.  
"It'll make everything better."  
He grabbed his jacket and pulled it on before stopping as the pain hit him again then made his way out.

 

The flat was cold. Robert stood in the doorway and stared in before sniffing and heading to the bedroom where the gun was hidden. He sat on the bed and groaned at the pain in his stomach,  
"You could wait. That's probably gonna kill you anyway."  
Robert glared at him,  
"No...being back here...no."  
He wiped his nose again and shook his head,  
"I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go and they'll be happy okay? Aaron-Aaron'll be happy and he'll be free of me. He'll be fine."  
Aaron nodded and sat down,  
"And that's all you care about? What about Vic?"  
Robert shook his head,  
"She hates me. She hates me."  
He burst into tears,  
"Oh god she hates me so much."  
Aaron shrugged,  
"You did kill her sister in law."  
Robert pulled at his hair,  
"SHUT UP."  
He groaned again and fell sideways on the bed,  
"Oh god...help me."  
Aaron leant over him,  
"No ones coming for you. No one cares. Your precious little Aaron is probably out sleeping with another man. Another Robert. One who doesn't FUCK his life up. One who's not a PATHETIC MESS OF A HUMAN BEING. LOOK AT YOU YOU'RE DISGUSTING. NO ONE IS GONNA CARE THAT YOU DIED."  
Robert lurched forward,  
"I SAID SHUT UP."  
He fell to the floor; hitting his head against the chest of drawers. He blinked as Aaron bent down to look at him,  
"You're pathetic."  
Robert reached out before falling unconscious.

Aaron was stopping everyone he could and showing them the photo,  
"Have you seen this man? Excuse me?"  
When he wasn't ignored he was met with blank stares or outright no's. He rubbed his face and moved down the road into another one as he carried on searching.  
"Excuse me? Have you seen this man?"  
The man looked at the picture,  
"Yeah! Rob right? He alright?"  
Aaron looked at the man,  
"He's been missing, when did you see him?"  
The man shrugged,  
"Two...three nights ago? We had fun. He's pretty cool."  
"Where? Where did you see him?"  
The man shrugged,  
"Met him in a bar down the road. Then we went back to mine. He was gone in the morning though."  
Aaron swallowed and looked around,  
"Look if you see him or you hear from him can you call me? Or tell him to call me? This is my number."  
He wrote a number down on a piece of paper and handed it to the guy,  
"My name is Aaron."  
The man looked at him in surprise,  
"Seriously?"  
Aaron frowned,  
"What?"  
The guy laughed,  
"Nothing just...didn't know you were real. Damn."  
He pocketed the number,  
"I'll tell him."  
He smiled at Aaron and walked down the road; leaving him alone and confused.

Robert opened his eyes and sat up slowly. He looked around and climbed to his feet.  
"Gone again huh?"  
He shivered and walked over to the bedside table; grabbing his head,  
"My fucking head."  
He reached into a drawer and pulled out the gun. He checked for bullets then stuck the gun in his waistband and headed back out of his bedroom. The pain in his stomach stopped him in his tracks and he leant against the wall,  
"Oh god..."  
He turned the light on and took a few breathes before heading to the table; he grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a quick message,  
"Saying your goodbyes?"  
He looked round at Aaron and glared,  
"Why do you care?"  
Aaron shrugged,  
"Don't really. Just making conversation."  
Robert scoffed and carried on writing,  
"So go on. What have you put? 'No one understands me, I just want to be an inspiration to others'?"  
"Fuck off."  
He grabbed the note and stuck it to his bedroom door before turning and heading out of the flat.

Aaron was walking back to the pub when he stopped dead. He grabbed his phone and dialled Victoria's number,  
"Vic? Vic his light is on. Get over here now."  
He hung up and ran over to the flat; he banged on the door,  
"Rob? Robert! Robert you in there? Open the door!"  
Finding only silence he pushed against the door; using his whole body to try and force it open.  
"Aaron!"  
Victoria ran across the road toward him,  
"Is he there?"  
"I don't know. There's no answer."  
She searched her keys and grabbed the one for the door. She opened it and they ran in,  
"Robert?"  
"Rob!"  
Aaron saw the note on the door and ran over,  
"Vic?"  
She went over to him,  
"What is it?"  
His eyes scanned the paper and he felt sick,  
"Aaron?"  
He cleared his throat,  
"It uh...it..says...'I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I can't live with what I've done. I know you won't care but you should know I never meant to hurt you. Goodbye'"  
Victoria covered her mouth,  
"Oh my god...oh my god."  
Aaron grabbed her and hugged her,  
"We need to find him Aaron. We need to find him!"  
Aaron rubbed his face,  
"He'd go somewhere...he doesn't want to be interrupted so he'd go somewhere no one would look."  
Victoria pushed her hands through her hair,  
"The quarry?"  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No...no no I don't think so...he'd go somewhere else. Somewhere that meant-oh Jesus."  
He looked at her,  
"He's there. He's at the farm."  
She looked at him,  
"He's going where Katie died?"  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No he's going to the barn. Come on."  
They left the flat and headed to Aaron's car.

Robert stood in the barn and wiped his nose. He looked down at the gun in his hand and took a deep breath,  
"Go on then."  
He looked up and frowned at Aaron before him,  
"Shut up."  
Aaron laughed,  
"You're not gonna do it are you? Christ you're pathetic."  
Robert pointed the gun at him,  
"I SAID SHUT UP. YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU'RE NOT REAL."  
"Am I real?"  
Robert spun around and jumped back as he came face to face with Katie,  
"K-Katie?"  
"Am I real Robert? Am I?"  
Robert stepped back,  
"No no no no no. You're...you're.."  
"Dead? Say it. SAY I'M DEAD."  
Robert shook his head and gripped his hair,  
"Oh god no...no."  
He looked up and met her eye,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  
She glared at him,  
"You killed me."  
"It was an accident."  
"IT WAS NO ACCIDENT."  
He shook his head again,  
"You're not real. You're not real."  
He turned around as Katie started to laugh and put the gun to his head,  
"ROBERT!"  
He spun around and came face to face with Aaron. He pointed the gun at him,  
"What's going on?"  
Aaron held his hands up,  
"Rob listen to me...put the gun down."  
Robert looked at the Aaron beside him,  
"Who is he? WHO ARE YOU?"  
Aaron frowned as Robert spoke to the empty barn,  
"Rob it's me...it's Aaron. Victoria is outside okay? She's getting some help-woah...easy."  
Robert pointed the gun at him again,  
"YOU'RE NOT AARON."  
Aaron stepped closer,  
"Robert please. Please...just talk to me."  
Robert pointed the gun against his temple,  
"NO DON'T!"  
Robert shook his head and looked at the Aaron beside him,  
"Make him stop. Make it stop."  
Aaron put his hands up,  
"Robert please. Please I am begging you...I am begging you please put the gun down."  
Robert shook as he started to sob,  
"I can't. I can't...I have to. I have to make it stop. I WON'T STOP HURTING PEOPLE I CAN'T."  
"You can. You can, you're good inside. You're good. I can see it."  
Robert shook his head,  
"No I'm not."  
"You are. You have good in you it's why I fell in love with you. Okay? Just...please don't do this."  
Robert looked around and saw the empty barn,  
"Where's he gone? Where's he gone?"  
Aaron stepped closer; stopping when Robert pointed the gun back at him,  
"Where's who gone?"  
Robert wiped his nose,  
"You're not real."  
Aaron frowned,  
"Yes I am...look at me. I'm real. I'm here."  
Robert looked at him and shook his head,  
"No! No you've lied to me for weeks!"  
He put the gun to his temple again,  
"Robert please! You don't have to do this. I can help you. I can help. I'm here. Just please....please put it down."  
"Aaron?"  
Aaron nodded,  
"Yeah...yeah it's me."  
Roberts face crumpled as he started to cry again,  
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything."  
Robert dragged the gun down his face and fell to his knees. Aaron looked at him; taking in the sight of his thin body and his sallow face,  
"I love you so much. I'm so sorry."  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
Robert started breathing deeply,  
"Oh god...I'm not here. I'm not here."  
Aaron felt his heart break and he sniffed as tears started to fall from his own eyes,  
"Robert I am begging you. Please don't leave me. Please don't do this. I can't go through it again. I can't lose another one I am begging you. I love you Robert. I love you please...please stay with me. Please."  
Robert looked at him before he dropped the gun and covered his face as he started to scream. Aaron ran over and dropped to his knees; taking the gun and grabbing Robert,  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
Robert screamed and shook as the sobs ripped through him. Aaron stroked his hair and tried to calm him down,  
"You're okay. You're okay."  
"He's lying."  
Robert opened his eyes and jumped back as he saw the other Aaron standing in front of him,  
"You're not okay."  
Robert shook his head and clambered to his feet,  
"Robert stop!"  
Robert looked at the two Aaron's and shook his head,  
"I-I..."  
The pain ripped through him again and he screamed; grabbing his stomach as he did. Aaron grabbed him and tried to hold him up,  
"Robert look at me. Look at me."  
Robert looked at him and swallowed before the world went black and he hit the ground.

Aaron sat down beside Victoria and handed her a cup of tea,  
"Thanks."  
He looked over at the window that looked into Roberts room and took a sip of his own drink,  
"What did the doctor say?"  
Victoria sighed as they watched the nurses milling around Robert in the bed.  
"Surgery went well. They're keeping him sedated; his withdrawal is pretty bad. The uh...the head injury is nothing to worry about though. He just needs rest and...the hypothermia is getting better, the IV is helping."  
She sniffed,  
"He's not good Aaron."  
Aaron put his arm around her as she cried,  
"He'll get through it. He's in the best best."  
Victoria sniffed and wiped her eyes before sitting up,  
"I called people. Everyone who should be here. No one wanted to know."  
Aaron shrugged,  
"Not surprising though is it?"  
Victoria looked at the window again,  
"I...know what he did was unforgivable. But he's my big brother. He's my only actual relative left and he's not a bad person. He's so alone. He's been so alone and no one is coming to help him. He could've died and no one would've cared."  
She wiped her eyes again,  
"He needs me. He needs us."  
Aaron squeezed her arm,  
"He has us. We're not going anywhere."  
They sat back in the chairs and waited for the nurses to leave the room again.

The steady beep of the machine kept Aaron calm as he watched Robert sleep. Two days on the IV had given him his colour back. After he had flatlined his first night there they had put a tube down his throat and the machine was filling the room with a reassuring sound that he was in fact breathing. Aaron took his hand and held it; his eyes following the marks on his skin and making him feel sick. He looked at Roberts face and reached out to gently stroke his cheek.  
"Didn't think we'd be here."  
He lowered his hand,  
"Vic had to go home for a bit but she's gonna come back later okay? You're not gonna be alone at any time I promise."  
He took Roberts hand again and brought it to his lips. Pressing a kiss to the warm skin.  
"Just stay with me okay? Just promise me you'll stay here."  
He pushed a hand gently through Roberts hair,  
"I need you to pull through this Rob. I need you to be alright...to be you again. I just...I need you."  
Aaron nodded,  
"Okay."  
He sat back in the chair; keeping a hand on Roberts as he did,  
"You take your time yeah? I'll be here."

It was three days later that he woke up. Victoria and Aaron were sitting at his bedside and talking when his hand moved before his eyes flew open and he started gasping around the tube in his throat; scrambling desperately as he tried to breathe. The nurses ran in; sending the two out as they tried to calm Robert down,  
"Robert? Robert look at me. That's it. You awake? Thumbs up."  
Robert did as he was told,  
"Okay make a fist...good man, you want the tube out? Yeah? Okay."  
She undid the machine,  
"Deep breath in...and cough it out...there you go. There you go."  
She removed the tube as Robert coughed. She moved the bed up and the doctor came in to check him over.  
"How you feeling?"  
Robert coughed again,  
"Like hell."  
The doctor checked his chest and then lifted his shirt to check the incision from his surgery.  
"Well you're a very lucky man. How are the cravings?"  
Robert coughed again as the nurse checked his IV.  
"I want them. I want the drugs."  
The doctor nodded,  
"You will for a while but you were pretty bad when you came in."  
"I don't remember."  
The doctor checked his chart,  
"Your friend and sister brought you in. You were hypothermic and not in a good way."  
Robert looked down,  
"I don't remember anything."  
The doctor nodded,  
"You had a bleed in your stomach; it was causing you a lot of pain. We operated and it went well. You're a very very lucky man."  
Robert looked at him and nodded,  
"Yeah."  
The doctor checked his chart and wrote something down. Robert didn't hear what was said to him. He didn't even realise that the nurses had left until there was a hand on his arm and he looked at Victoria.  
"You're okay."  
Robert forced a smile,  
"I'm fine."  
Victoria hugged him and he stared at the wall behind her until she let go. He gave her a half smile and looked over to Aaron.  
"Are you real?"  
Aaron reached over and took his hand,  
"I'm real. I'm here."  
Robert nodded,  
"Okay."  
He looked down at their hands and pulled his away,  
"I'm tired."  
Victoria frowned,  
"Oh...okay. We'll leave you to sleep."  
Robert lay down and turned his head away from them both. Victoria leant down and kissed his head,  
"I'll be right outside."  
He didn't answer and Aaron rubbed her arm before touching Roberts shoulder,  
"See you in a bit yeah?"  
Robert flinched slightly and Aaron swallowed thickly before leaving the room.

Aaron knocked on the door and walked in,  
"Hi."  
Robert looked over at him and sat up slowly,  
"Hi."  
Aaron walked over,  
"Can I sit?"  
Robert nodded,  
"Yeah..yeah."  
Aaron sat and smiled at him,  
"How you doing today?"  
Robert was watching him carefully and Aaron reached out and touched him,  
"I'm real."  
Robert smiled gently and looked down,  
"I know. I know you are. I'm just...confused as to why you're here."  
Aaron sat back,  
"You don't want me here?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"No I want you here. I want you here. I just...don't deserve your attention."  
Aaron sat forward,  
"Fresh start remember? We talked about this yesterday."  
Robert frowned and nodded,  
"Yesterday..."  
"Remember?"  
Robert scratched his head,  
"No...no."  
He looked at Aaron apologetically,  
"Sorry."  
Aaron touched his hand again,  
"Don't worry about it. It's fine."  
Robert pinched the bridge of his nose,  
"It's not fine."  
He dropped his hand and groaned,  
"I can't...remember anything."  
Aaron grabbed his hand,  
"Hey...hey it's alright. Listen to me it doesn't matter."  
Robert dropped his head back,  
"I'm sorry."  
He clenched his jaw as his stomach hurt and let out a long breath.  
"You alright?"  
Robert nodded tightly,  
"Yeah...yeah."  
He relaxed back into the bed and looked at Aaron,  
"Victoria went home."  
Aaron nodded and sat back,  
"Yeah she had to sort out work and stuff."  
Robert nodded,  
"She hasn't yelled at me yet."  
Aaron watched him,  
"She's not gonna yell at you."  
Robert looked at him,  
"She hates me...You hate me."  
Aaron frowned,  
"If I hated you I wouldn't be here would I? I wouldn't have spent all those weeks looking for you. I don't hate you Robert. Stop thinking that way."  
Robert looked at him for a moment and nodded,  
"Right."  
Aaron looked down and then looked at the door,  
"You fancy a walk?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"Nurse Ratchet been on at you as well huh?"  
Aaron chuckled,  
"See? You're back to yourself already."  
Robert couldn't help the smile and Aaron stood up,  
"Right, turn...legs first."  
Robert gave him a look and Aaron laughed,  
"Sorry."  
Robert turned slowly and pulled the covers back to put his feet on the ground. He gripped his IV stand and with Aaron's help pulled himself to his feet,  
"There you go...you okay?"  
Robert nodded and walked carefully; dragging the drip stand with him.  
"That's it."  
Robert stopped at the door and groaned,  
"You alright?"  
Robert let out a breath and put his hand to his stomach,  
"Yeah...yeah. Fine."  
Aaron rubbed his back gently and they walked down the hallway slowly.

"Rehab?"  
The doctor nodded,  
"We have a programme here. Or you could send him somewhere private. It's up to you."  
Victoria nodded,  
"He really needs it? I mean he hasn't had anything for ages."  
"That's because he's on a lot of medication. Once he's out of here and he's back in his everyday life he's going to find it a lot harder to cope."  
Victoria shrugged,  
"He seems so much better."  
The doctor read Roberts chart,  
"He's not talking about what happened, seems to have blocked a lot of it out- not uncommon but it is something we should keep an eye on. Trauma is a difficult thing."  
Victoria swallowed,  
"You think he's traumatised?"  
The doctor looked at her,  
"When you brought him in he was a mess. He was delusional and pretty close to death. We examined him and the wounds he had...they were similar to wounds we find on...on rape victims."  
Victoria sat down heavily and covered her mouth,  
"You think...you think he was raped?"  
The doctor sat beside her,  
"This is merely speculation. Without your brothers cooperation we won't know what happened to him and we won't be able to provide the proper treatment. He has a long journey ahead of him."  
Victoria nodded again and rubbed her face,  
"Yeah...yeah I'll try and get him to talk."  
The doctor nodded and touched her shoulder gently,  
"I'll be in to see him later."  
Victoria nodded,  
"Okay. Thanks."  
The doctor left her alone and Victoria let herself cry for a few minutes before standing up and wiping her eyes. She walked down the hallway and stopped at the window where she watched Robert and Aaron talk. She took a breath and walked into the room.

"Rob? Can you talk to me?"  
Robert looked at her,  
"What?"  
Victoria sat closer and took his hands,  
"Can you talk to me about what happened? To you?"  
Robert looked away,  
"No..."  
He took his hands back and pushed them through his hair;  
"Robert you need to talk about it."  
"No...I don't."  
Victoria tried to touch him again,  
"Rob please?"  
Robert jerked out of her grasp,  
"I SAID NO."  
He grabbed his stomach and cried out in pain,  
"Robert!"  
He pushed her away and curled up on the bed as he groaned in pain.  
"Robert are you okay?"  
"GET OFF ME."  
He cried out again before lurching over the bed and throwing up on the floor. Victoria pressed the buzzer for help and ran around the bed; freezing in horror as she saw the blood on the floor,  
"Oh my god Robert I'm so sorry."  
He screamed out in pain and threw up again just as the doctors and nurses ran into the room; sending a hysterical Victoria into the hallway alone.


	2. Chapter 2

"Wake up"  
The voice was familiar. He shook his head and tried to escape the haze of being half asleep only to find himself deeper. He felt like he was trapped in glue; desperate to move but becoming more stuck the more he tried. He opened his mouth to try and scream and found no sound coming out. Starting to panic; he urged himself to move forward,  
"Wake up."  
He reached out; almost certain he could see the shape of a person watching him,  
"Wake up."  
He tried. He tried to open his eyes but he couldn't. He couldn't move a muscle,  
"Wake...up."  
He was losing them. The shape he was sure of was fading; the space before him growing darker until he couldn't see anymore. He was alone. Again.

"How is he?"  
Aaron looked up at Victoria,  
"Still asleep."  
Victoria nodded and looked down at her hands,  
"Vic?"  
She shook her head,  
"It's all my fault."  
"No one knew he was gonna react like that-"  
"No. I mean all of it. I pushed him away..I-I didn't wanna know him and now look at him."  
Aaron got up and walked over to her; wrapping his arms around her,  
"Vic we've been through this. It's not your fault, none of it."  
"I just want my brother back."  
"I know. I know."  
He looked back at Robert still sleeping and squeezed Victoria's shoulders,  
"Sit with him a bit. I need some air anyway."  
She nodded and wiped her eyes,  
"Yeah."  
He watched as she sat beside Robert and took his hand in hers. He smiled gently and left them alone.

"Robert? Can you hear me? Open your eyes for me sweetheart."  
Robert blinked his eyes open and stared up at the white ceiling.  
"Robert?"  
He looked over at the nurse and then closed his eyes again,  
"Robert open your eyes for me."  
He opened his eyes slowly and looked at her,  
"There we go. How are you feeling?"  
Robert blinked again,  
"Vic?"  
She touched his hand gently,  
"She's outside."  
Robert nodded as his eyes started to close again.   
"Robert you need to keep your eyes open for me okay? Just for a bit."  
He forced them open again and looked at the nurse,  
"M'tired."  
She smiled at him,  
"I know you are sweetheart but we have to make sure you're doing okay. You've been asleep for a few days."  
He looked around; noticing the other person in the room. He watched as they set the dials on the oxygen machine,  
"We need to pop this oxygen mask on you okay? Then you can go back to sleep I promise."  
Robert didn't argue as she put the mask on him. He lay back in the pillows and closed his eyes again. The noises of the room disappearing as he fell asleep.

When he opened his eyes again the room was quiet except for the steady beep of the machines informing everyone that he was still alive. He turned his head and blinked at the sight of Aaron in the chair beside the bed,  
"What're you doing here?"  
Aaron looked up; dropping the magazine he was reading on the floor and sitting forward,  
"Hey sleepy. How you feeling?"  
Robert frowned at him,  
"Why are you still here?"  
Aaron smiled and gestured to his face,  
"I can't understand you with the mask."  
Robert reached up and pulled it off,  
"Why are you here?"  
"Rob...why would-I'm real. You know that right?"  
Robert frowned at him,  
"I don't want you here"  
Aaron started slightly,  
"Rob-"  
"Are you deaf? I don't want you here."  
Aaron looked at him in shock,  
"Robert-"  
"GET OUT."  
Aaron pushed the chair back and stood up,  
"Fine."  
He walked toward the door then stopped and turned around,  
"You know you keep this attitude up and you're gonna have no one left."  
Robert scoffed,  
"Think I give a shit? I was doing fine until you happened. I was fine. You're nothing. Get out!"  
Aaron shook his head,  
"Whatever."  
He turned on his heel and slammed the door behind him; leaving Robert alone again.

"He's not well is he?"  
The doctor took a moment,  
"He's been through a lot; whatever happened to him when he was out there it's had an effect. Ignoring the problems that the drugs themselves have caused he was trying to kill himself. To be in that state is something we need to work on."  
Victoria nodded and grabbed Aaron's hand,  
"Will be ever be okay?"  
The doctor sighed,  
"That's up to him."  
"He's so angry."  
The doctor nodded,  
"We're getting him into therapy as soon as he's well enough. Until then we're trying to keep him calm. Being with his family will help."  
Aaron glanced away and Victoria nodded,  
"My husbands coming in later, so he won't be on his own for very long."  
The doctor checked the notes for a moment,  
"We'll need to discuss rehab at some point as well."  
Victoria nodded again,  
"Yeah. Yeah course."  
The doctor’s pager suddenly started beeping and he grabbed it,  
"I have to go I'm sorry. We'll talk more later."  
"Thank you doctor."  
Aaron waited until the doctor was gone to take his hand back and rub his face,  
"Vic I can't do this. I can't be here."  
"Aaron?"  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  
He headed down the hallway; ignoring Victoria's shouts and made it outside before collapsing against the wall as his tears came.

Robert stared at him; neither man moving until the door opened and the nurse came in,  
"Morning Robert, sleep well?"  
Robert looked at her,  
"Who are you?"  
The nurse looked up from his chart,  
"I'm Susan. Remember? I was here last night."  
Robert frowned and looked back at the man in the chair,  
"It's not visiting time."  
Susan smiled and walked over; lifting his shirt to check his stitches,  
"No. Not until 11. Your sisters probably still downstairs though."  
"She's always here."  
"She loves you."  
She put his shirt back down,  
"Can you look at me?"  
Robert forced himself to look at her and she checked his temperature and made sure his oxygen tubes were working,  
"How are you feeling?"  
"Fantastic."  
She smiled at him,  
"Well your sense of humour is back."  
He turned back to the chair where the man was still watching him,  
"I wanna go home."  
"Soon. We just have to get you well enough."  
Robert didn't answer, he didn't hear anything else that the nurse said. His attention was solely on the man in the chair; their eyes never leaving each other. Once the nurse left he asked him,  
"You're not real are you?"  
He shook his head slowly,  
"Why are you here?"  
He leant forward,  
"Why'd you send the real one away?"  
Robert clenched his jaw and the man grinned,  
"You can ignore me but I still know the answer. I'm you. Remember? And you thought he was me. And you kicked him out, and now where is he?"  
Robert's chin wobbled and he looked away only to see him on the other side as well,  
"Well? Come on? Where's the real Aaron? Because he's not with you."  
Robert shook his head and closed his eyes,  
"Leave me alone."  
"Where's everyone gone Robert? No one cares. No one."  
He opened his eyes again,  
"Leave me ALONE."  
Aaron grinned,  
"No chance mate. You know the rules. I don't go until you make me go."  
"Then I'm making you go."  
Aaron laughed,  
"Clearly."  
Robert moved his head and stared at the ceiling,  
"There is one way you can make me disappear."  
Robert swallowed and nodded,  
"Yeah."  
He looked over at him again and Aaron smirked,  
"Guess we're going on a day trip."  
Robert nodded and looked back at the ceiling,  
"Yeah."

He waited until they'd all gone; lying in the bed pretending to be asleep until the room was silent and he could climb from the bed. He grabbed his bag of clothes and dressed quickly before pulling the hood of his jacket up and slipping out of his room and down the hall. He kept his head down; only glancing up to make sure Aaron was still walking in front of him, leading the way from the hospital. He barely took a breath until he was free and clear; not questioning how he got past security and instead just focused on his end goal. He ignored the pain in his stomach and walked down the road, he knew there was a pub not far and he needed a drink. The wallet in his jeans pocket held two five pound notes, not enough to get a fix but enough to get a drink. He shoved his hands in his pockets and followed Aaron's lead.  
"Wait...wait it hurts."  
Aaron stopped and looked at him,  
"Suck it up."  
"IT HURTS."  
Aaron sighed,  
"There's a chemist. Go...get some painkillers. Stop whining."  
Robert leant against the wall and gripped his stomach,  
"Fuck you."  
"Fuck me? Fuck you! You're weak. Look at you, you're a mess."  
Robert retched and spat on the floor,  
"Jesus Christ, I help you escape and this is the thanks I get?"  
Robert clenched his jaw and pushed himself from the wall,  
"YOU'RE NOT REAL."  
Aaron smirked,  
"Guess you're on your own then."  
Robert pushed his hands against the wall and dropped his head as another wave of nausea came over him. He let out a long breath and finally lifted his head to find himself alone. He rubbed his face and pulled the hood back over his head as he headed toward the pub. 

The pub was warm, he moved toward the bar and shoved his hand in his pocket to get his wallet,  
"Gimme a whiskey."  
The woman looked at him,  
"You alright love? You look a bit pale."  
He slammed the note onto the counter,  
"I'm fine. Just gimme a drink."  
She frowned,  
"You don't look fine; maybe I should call someone-"  
"LOOK. I'm not in the mood okay? Just do your job and get me a drink."  
"Hey! Don't speak to me like that alright?"  
He looked at her and gripped the bar,  
"Please just get me a drink."  
She folded her arms,  
"You on something?"  
He frowned,  
"What? No. I just....fuck sake can't a guy just get a drink in this place? That is what you do isn't it? You sell them? So just turn around and do your goddamn job."  
A man appeared behind the woman,  
"Problem here?"  
"There won't be when this bitch does her job."  
The woman snapped in shock and moved away as the man stepped closer to Robert,  
"You wanna try saying that again?"  
"What's wrong? Can't take the truth?"  
The man looked behind Robert,  
“Get him out of here.”  
Suddenly there was a hand on Robert's back and he was being pulled from the pub and thrown out the door onto the street. He landed on his back and groaned as the pain ripped through him,  
"Now stay the hell out."  
He rolled over and pushed his head into the ground as he shoved his arm out and gave the man the finger,  
"FUCK YOU."  
The man sneered at him and slammed the door shut as he went back inside. Robert wrapped his arm around himself and groaned in pain. He took a few deep breaths and clambered to his feet.  
"Fucking waste of space pub. FUCK YOU ALL."  
He wiped his nose and sniffed,  
"Find another place."  
He rubbed his face and looked around. He shoved his hands into his pockets and was on the move again.

He collapsed against the wall and groaned. He wanted to sleep, he was about to find a doorway to collapse in when he heard his name being called. He turned around and came face to face with a man,  
"Oh...hi."  
The man clapped his arm,  
"What're you doing here? Last I heard you were carted off somewhere."  
Robert shrugged,  
"Didn't stick I guess."  
The man smiled at him and looked down,  
"You alright?"  
Robert nodded and rubbed his nose,  
"Just...need a drink. It's been a long day."  
The man bit his lip,  
"I'm on my way to a mates place; he’s having a bit of a get together.”  
He winked as he said it,  
"He’s gonna have all sorts of goodies for us….Got something much better than a drink in mind."  
Robert swallowed,  
"Yeah?"  
The man nodded and trailed a finger down Robert's arm,  
"Fancy it?"  
He nodded then stopped,  
"I don't...I don't have any money."  
The man chuckled,  
"We're old friends...I'm sure we can arrange something...I'm sure the others won't mind at all."  
Robert nodded; he knew what the man meant, he didn't care. A few random strangers fucking him didn't bother him if it meant he got a needle in his arm. He smiled at the man,  
"I'm sure I can make it worth the while."  
He smiled at Robert and hooked a finger under his chin,  
"Always up for a good time eh Sugden?"  
Robert blinked and swallowed,  
"You know it."  
The man smiled and stepped back,  
"Come on then."  
He glanced around quickly and shoved his hands in his pockets as he followed the man down the road.

Robert closed his eyes as the man pushed into him, he wasn't the first of the night; nor would he be the last. Robert didn't feel it anymore though; he was rewarded after each one, either with a bump from the back of someone's hand or a spliff taken straight from their lips and placed into his. He was waiting though, waiting for the moment the needles would come out. It's all he wanted. He'd put up with the pain, he'd put up with the taunts, the fingers in his hair, his mouth, his ass, he'd put up with it all if it meant he'd get his fix. He'd lie down or bend over and he'd let them do what they wanted and then he'd smile sweetly and he'd take what they offered and then get in position for the next person. He just needed the fix.  
"You're a good boy aren't you?"  
The words were whispered in his ear; seeming so loud to him over the music in the room, he wanted to notice that he could feel the beat in his veins but he couldn't form the words and then the fingers were in his hair and he was being yanked up,  
"Answer me."  
"Yes. Yes..."  
The man pushed his head back down; his fingers digging bruises into the flesh of his hips. Robert gripped the sides of the table and scrunched his eyes shut as the man pounded into him. He felt the man pull at his hair again and he knew he was close. The man shuddered and stilled before pulling out. Robert swallowed; he couldn’t tell what was pouring out of him anymore, he didn’t know if it was lube, come or blood and he didn’t care.   
“Good lad.”  
He tried to turn his head as he felt his arm being pulled forward but the hand in his hair brought his head closer and he was being kissed instead. He didn't see who was tying the strap to his arm. Didn't see who was tapping the vein, didn't see who slid the needle into his skin. All he felt was the bliss that came as soon as the drug hit his system. The room grew quiet and the hand in his hair disappeared as he fell forward onto the surface he was being bent over onto. A faint smile appeared on his lips as he slipped away.

He was cold when he opened his eyes,  
"You're awake."  
He hadn't seen Aaron since the pub. He reached out slowly to try and touch his face; his sight blurring with tears when his hand hit nothing,  
"You're not him."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"No I'm not."  
Robert curled up into a foetal position and closed his eyes,  
"Aaron?"  
He opened them again,  
"Promise me you won't leave."  
Aaron smiled; the smile that made Robert feel like everything was going to be okay.  
"I promise."  
Robert tried to smile only to gasp as his tears came,  
"Thank you."  
Aaron smiled at him gently as he closed his eyes once more.

"I can't lose him."  
"You're not going to lose him. I promise."  
Victoria squeezed Adams hand tightly,  
"I should've stayed. I should've stayed with him. He...he was so hurt."  
Aaron looked over at them and swallowed,  
"Vic-"  
"I know. I know...I'm sorry."  
She took some deep breaths,  
"They're gonna find him Vic. Okay? And then we'll get him some help and he'll be alright."  
Victoria looked at Adam,  
"Be alright? He's a drug addict Adam. He's tried to kill himself once already. He's out there. On his own, thinking god knows what, doing god knows what and-"  
She crumpled into his arms and started sobbing.  
"I just want him back."  
Aaron pushed his hands into his hair and started rocking on the chair before standing up,  
"I can't- I can't sit here and not do anything. I need to help...I need to look for him."  
He grabbed his jacket,  
"Aaron? Aaron just let the police do their job!"  
He ignored Adam and walked from the pub into the night.

Robert stepped out into the cold and took a breath. He looked down at himself and straightened his tie before heading down the road. He stopped when he saw Victoria and smiled,  
"Vic?"  
She looked at him and walked over; wrapping her arms around him and leaning into his ear,  
"I hate you."  
He pulled away,  
"Vic? What-"  
"I wish you were dead."  
He couldn't understand it; couldn't understand why she was saying this,  
"Vic what happened?"  
She sneered at him,  
"You're nothing. You're not my brother."  
"Yes I am. I love you."  
"You don't know love. You don't know how to...you're not my brother. I wish you were dead. I don't need you. I have Andy, I don't want you."  
"Vic...please..."  
She pushed past him; making him turn,  
"Vic......"  
He trailed off as he looked around and realised he was at Wylie's,  
"What the...?"  
"I'm gonna tell her. I'm gonna tell everyone. Your disgusting little secret."  
Robert narrowed his eyes,  
"Katie."  
"I'm gonna tell her all about it."  
He clenched his fists,  
"You're gonna keep your mouth shut you little bitch."  
She stepped back slightly,  
"Or what?"  
Robert couldn't help it; he surged forward and pushed her hard, pushed her straight down onto the floor and watched her fall through. He walked over to the hole in the boards and looked down. The air in the room disappeared as he looked down; he couldn't breathe as he looked down at the body of his sister,  
"No...No no no NO."  
He ran down to her; his knees buckling as he got closer. He collapsed beside her and scooped her lifeless body into his arms,  
"Please...please no."  
He held her close as he began to sob,  
"Vic I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."  
He shut his eyes tightly and tried to breathe,  
"Robert?"  
He turned his head and came face to face with a little girl; confused he looked down and found his arms empty,  
"Robert?"  
He looked at the girl again,  
"Victoria?"  
She stepped back and he put his hands out,  
"No no...It’s me. Don't be scared."  
She started to cry and he moved closer,  
"No no Vic it's me. It's me."  
"You're a bad man."  
He gasped slightly; tears falling down his cheeks,  
"No...I'm your brother. I'm your big brother."  
"You're a bad man!"  
He clambered to his feet as she started to run away,  
"Vic? VIC?"  
He ran after her; pushing the door open and stopping as he found himself in a room he couldn't place,  
"What the...?"  
He turned around to leave through the door only to find a wall in its place,  
"The fuck is going on?"  
"Why are you back? Haven't you done enough?"  
He turned and smiled in relief as he saw Aaron,  
"Aaron...Aaron what's happening?"  
Aaron glared at him,  
"You disgust me. You're pathetic."  
"Aaron?"  
He reached out to grab him only to be pushed back. He fell against the radiator and hit the floor. Aaron stood above him and laughed,  
"Not so big now are you?"  
Robert tried to move only to realise he was handcuffed in place,  
"Aaron stop. What is this?"  
Aaron crouched down and stroked his face,  
"You're the biggest mistake I ever made."  
The words sent a chill down Robert's spine,  
"This is the lodge....isn't it?"  
Aaron didn't answer; instead he stood up and turned his back on him,  
"Aaron?"  
"I'm gonna make it right. Do everyone a favour."  
He turned around and lifted the gun,  
"Aaron no. Aaron please you don't have to do this."  
He cocked the gun and pointed it at Robert's head,  
"Aaron!"  
"I meant it you know....I love you."  
The gun fired before Robert could speak again.

Robert shot up; kicking at the blankets and screaming as he fell from the bed. He pushed his shaking hands through his sweat soaked hair and tried to catch his breath.   
"Damn. You alright?"  
He looked up at the man sitting at a table across the room,  
"Fine."  
He looked around,  
"W-where is everyone? The party?"  
The man laughed,  
"Mate the party finished two days ago."  
Robert frowned and rubbed his face,  
"Right."  
The man chuckled again and carried on rolling cigarettes,  
"What're you doing here if it's finished?"  
He looked up at Robert,  
"Well...Luke was gonna stay with ya but you sleep like the dead and he got bored. And I liked what I saw the other night so I figured I'd help you out and get a little something in return."  
Robert frowned at him,  
"What?"  
The man sat back,  
"Come on. You know what I mean. It's what you're good for."  
Robert climbed to his feet and grabbed his jeans from the floor,  
"No."  
The man looked him up and down and grabbed a small bag from the table. He lifted it up to Robert,  
"You sure about that?"  
Robert looked at the bag of brown powder and faltered; the man smirked,  
"That's what I thought."  
Robert swallowed,  
"So what do you want?"  
The man stood up and walked over to him, he hooked a finger under Robert's chin,  
"You got a nice mouth you know that? Why don't you put it to good use?"  
Robert glanced away and the man stepped closer still,  
"Of course…if you’d rather I can always just leave-"  
He started to turn and Robert grabbed his wrist,  
"Don't. Don't leave."  
He took a breath and dropped to his knees before undoing the man's belt; looking up at him one last time before opening his mouth and leaning in.

Robert stared into the toilet. He blinked slowly and got down on to his knees; gripping the edge with one hand as he pushed two fingers into his mouth and down his throat. He gagged and pushed them further; pulling them out just in time as he threw up, he gripped the toilet as he emptied his stomach over and over again. Tears streamed down his face as he retched. He spat into the bowl and reached up to flush the mess away. His stomach burned but he didn't care. He just wanted the evidence gone. He wanted to forget the feel of the man's fingers on his skin and his cock down his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut and collapsed onto his back; the cool tiles soothing his burning skin. He rolled on to his side and pulled himself up to stand; moving to the sink and running the tap for a few moments before sticking his head under the faucet and gulping down mouthfuls of water. He splashed his face with water and lifted his head to look in the mirror. He hadn't seen his own face since the hospital and he wasn't prepared for the sight that met him. He was thin; his cheekbones jutted out making him look ill. His eyes were sunken with dark shadows underneath them, he was pale and his lips were chapped and dry. His hair was dirty and pushed back, he didn't recognise the person staring at him and it scared him. He looked away and remembered the bag that the man had left him. Moving quickly he headed into the room again; grabbing the spoon they'd been using to cook and searching for a needle. He knew he'd seen one and when he found it he couldn't help the laugh of relief. He didn't even care that it had been on the floor for god knows how long. He wiped it on his jeans and once he found his lighter he sat on the floor and got to work.

"Diane?"  
She looked up at Aaron,  
"You okay love?"  
He shook his head and she reached out to touch his arm,  
"No I don't suppose you are."  
He looked at her,  
"Can we talk?"  
Diane nodded and looked around,  
"Come in the back."  
He followed her into the kitchen and leant against the counter,  
"I need your help."  
"Robert?"  
He nodded,  
"Look I know you're angry at him or...or hate him-"  
"I don't hate him Aaron. Far from it. I love him and I'm worried sick. But I have Andy as well. And I can't abandon him."  
Aaron looked at her,  
"He's gonna die out there. Wherever he is...Diane you didn't see him."  
"In the hospital?"  
Aaron looked away and rubbed his nose,  
"In the barn. He was...terrified. I've never seen him like that. He's gonna die if we don't find him I know he is and I can't let that happen I can't. I-"  
He looked away again and cleared his throat,  
"I just...please. Please he might listen to you."  
Diane sighed,  
"He's done things that I can't forgive."  
Aaron sat down opposite her,  
"I'm not asking you to forgive him I'm asking you to please help him get back home. Please. He's your....he's you son."  
Diane took Aaron's hands,  
"What about Andy?"  
Aaron scoffed in annoyance and stood up. Diane turned to look at him,  
"I can't just turn my back on him Aaron."  
"But you're fine turning your back on Robert?"  
Diane pursed her lips,  
"I didn't turn my back-"  
"YOU THREW HIM OUT. YOU CHOSE ANDY."  
Diane stood up,  
"And what did you do? Eh? You didn't exactly run after him did you?"  
Aaron stopped,  
"No, no you're right. I didn't. But I am trying now...because he needs me. He needs you Diane. He needs family."  
Diane watched him for a moment,  
"You're right, he is my son. And I love him. But he's an adult. He made a choice when Katie died and he made another choice when he left the hospital."  
Aaron brushed the tear that tracked down his cheek away,  
"So what're you saying? We let him die?"  
Diane walked closer,  
"I made a promise to Jack that I'd keep this family together but if he is determined to destroy himself I won't let everyone else be taken down with him."  
Aaron swallowed,  
"Fine. Fine...I'll do it myself."  
"Aaron-"  
"It's fine. Sorry I asked."  
He turned on his heel and left; making it out of the back door before more tears fell.

Robert collapsed against the wall and slid down until he was sitting on the cold ground. He lifted the bottle to his lips and took a gulp; sucking in a breath as the liquid burned down his throat. He put his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. A noise made him sit up,  
"Aaron?"  
"Nope."  
He opened his eyes and chuckled as he saw himself,  
"I was wondering when you'd show up."  
"I was wondering when you'd give up this pathetic campaign to destroy yourself."  
Robert lifted the bottle,  
"Don't you mean us?"  
He took another gulp,  
"So what is this? A look into myself?"  
The Robert opposite him looked him up and down,  
"You're pathetic you know that?"  
"Well you'd know."  
He took another drink,  
"You had everything."  
Robert looked down at the bottle,  
"Mmhmm."  
"You had a wife. A ready-made family...a career, a home, a future. And now what? Half a bottle of cheap scotch and then what? You'll fuck your way to another? Drugs? What's wrong with you?"  
Robert sneered and took another drink,  
"You make me sick. Everything you ever wanted on a plate and what? You throw it away! For what? Huh? For Aaron Livesy? For some…boy?”  
Robert looked up,  
"You shut up."  
"You gave up EVERYTHING for him. And he STILL doesn't want you."  
"I'm warning you."  
"You know what? He was right, you're disgusting. You deserved to die in that barn."  
"I said shut up."  
The other Robert knelt down in front of him,  
"I hope to god they never find you. You're an embarrassment. Can't even kill yourself properly. What a joke."  
He threw the bottle and screamed,  
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH."  
The other Robert disappeared and Robert put his head in his hands,  
"I'm not a joke. You're wrong...You're wrong."  
He looked up and wiped his nose on his arm,  
"I'll show you. I'll show you."  
He pushed himself to his feet and nodded,  
"I'll show you."  
He leant against the wall for a moment before taking a breath and heading down the road.

He couldn't use a gun again; he knew that much. It didn't work before and he wanted to make sure he wouldn't be stopped again.  
"I'm not leaving a note this time."  
Aaron nodded and watched as Robert poured the pills onto the table,  
"What are you doing?"  
"Counting."  
He lined up the pills and reached for the next packet,  
"Why?"  
He shrugged and carried on,  
"58...59...60."  
He looked up at Aaron,  
"You tried it once. Didn't you?"  
Aaron looked at him,  
"You know I can't answer that."  
Robert rubbed his hands on his jeans,  
"No...right."  
He cleared his throat,  
"It's better this way. No more worrying about me. Vic'll be able to move on. And Aaron...he'll find someone better."  
He looked at the lines he made and reached into the bag to grab the bottle of vodka.   
"I'm not going to the barn again. That was a mistake. Too many ghosts."  
He sighed,  
"I wanna go...I wanna go home."  
He put the bottle down and put his head in his hands,  
"I just wanna go home. I don't want this. I don't want to be here..."  
He looked over at Aaron,  
"What have I done?"  
Aaron shrugged and Robert dropped his hands; taking a breath and grabbing the bottle again,  
"Nothing else for it then...."  
He unscrewed it and looked up at Aaron again,  
"Here goes."

The pills were kicking in. He could feel it; as if he were walking through tar. He leant against the gate for a moment and coughed before pushing on, he was almost there. He made his way through the graves until he got to the one he wanted. He gripped the stone and took a few deep breaths before sitting heavily on the grass in front of it,  
"Mum."  
It sounded to him like his voice was someone else's, it was coming from far away and he had to strain to hear it.  
"I fucked up mum. I'm sorry."  
He wrapped his arms around his middle and rocked back and forth slowly,  
"I just wanted to take it back, I wanted to make everything better and this was the only way I could do it."  
He pushed his hands through his hair,  
"Mum I don't wanna die. I don't wanna...god."  
He coughed again; his head growing increasingly heavy.   
"I wish I could take it back."  
He slumped forward before curling on his side and reaching out to touch the cold stone,  
"I love you mum."  
He stopped fighting to stay awake and let his eyes close.  
"Robert?"  
He felt himself be moved as the person spoke frantically to him,  
"Come on open your eyes. Come on sweetheart."  
He felt the warm hand on his face and tried to open his eyes,  
"Robert please."  
He knew the voice, he wanted to see her, wanted to have her make it all okay. He forced his eyes open and tried to focus on her face,  
"That's it, you keep them open okay?"  
"Mum?"  
She wasn't answering; instead she was focused on getting someone's attention, he heard the word ambulance but didn't register properly,  
"Mum?"  
She looked down at him and stroked his cheek,  
"Stay with me okay? Just stay with me a little longer."  
He tried to lift his hand and touch her,  
"Mummy?"  
It was just as the word slipped from his lips that the world went dark.


	3. Chapter 3

He opened his eyes slowly and blinked against the light. He looked over and saw Victoria in the chair beside him,

"Vic?"

She looked up and smiled gently,

"Hi."

She leaned over and touched his hand,

"You're awake..."

He his eyes moved from her to around the room,

"What happened? To me?"

Victoria moved closer and pushed her hand through his hair,

"You just got a bit lost is all."

He nodded and gripped her hand relieved to find her really there,

"I love you...baby sister."

She smiled; her eyes shining with tears,

"I love you too big brother."

She leant in and kissed his head before resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arms him in a hug,

"Stay with me now okay?"

He nodded and pulled his arms around her to hug her tighter.

 

His days passed without him noticing much. When he wasn't asleep he found it hard to stay in the room. He'd be talking to someone and then zone out, he knew it was annoying but he couldn't help it. It felt like his mind was trying to be anywhere else, anytime he was asked about the time away he shut down; he couldn't face it yet. Couldn't handle the look on people's faces when they heard what he'd done. The doctors were in and out all the time checking on him; helping him with cravings and the pain. Nothing helped at night though. When the room was quiet and he was left with his nightmares. Nothing made it easier when he woke up alone every morning. He'd fight sleep for as long as he could so as not to wake up alone. It was only when the doctors would give him something that he would get a good night sleep. Other than that it was naps; usually when people visited him. He felt safe when they were in the room.

"Rob?"

He forced himself to look over at Aaron,

"Yeah?"

Aaron smiled gently,

"You were telling me about Dublin?"

He frowned,

"Dublin?"

Aaron nodded,

"Yeah. The stag night."

Robert looked away and rubbed his neck,

"I don't remember how I got here."

Aaron watched him for a moment,

"You've been here a couple weeks now. Remember?"

Robert shook his head,

"No...How I got...here."

He met Aaron's eye,

"The hospital?"

Aaron leant forward and touched his hand,

"Ambulance. Remember? Harriet found you in the grave yard."

Robert nodded,

"Where is she?"

Aaron sat back in the chair,

"Harriet? Dunno. Home probably."

Robert looked down,

"They think I'm crazy. I-I am crazy."

"You're not crazy Rob."

Robert looked at him,

"What would you call it?"

Aaron sighed and leaned forward; resting his elbows on his knees,

"Not crazy, just..."

"Unwell?"

"Lost."

Robert scoffed,

"Yeah. Lost. Sure."

He rubbed his face and looked back at Aaron,

"You stayed."

Aaron nodded,

"Yeah I stayed."

Robert nodded,

"Why?"

Aaron shrugged,

"Got nothing else to do."

Robert swallowed and looked down at his hands. Aaron watched him for moment and then sat back,

"So go on. Tell me about Dublin."

Robert looked at him and sighed before returning to his story.

 

"In layman terms he's had a mental breakdown."

Victoria took Diane's hand as the Doctor talked,

"There may have been underlying issues before this happened, his drug use and the trauma of what he went through has made it worse."

"Has he talked about it? What happened?"

The doctor shook her head,

"No. Not yet. He's been assigned a counsellor and once he's strong enough we will try to get him to open up. It might take a while though."

Diane nodded,

"When can he come home?"

The doctor sat back slightly,

"Putting aside the mental issues and the suicide attempt. Robert is a drug addict. He was starting to get clean the first time he admitted and then went back. This is something we need to deal with. Right now he's coping because we have him medicated. But there's a very high chance he will return to the drugs. Whatever he's trying to escape from...he won't be going home for a while. Not until we can be sure he won't hurt himself again."

Diane nodded and squeezed Victoria's hand as the doctor continued talking.

 

"He's so good with him."

Victoria leant her head against Adams arm as they watched Aaron talking to Robert,

"He's so patient."

Adam sniggered,

"Aaron? Patient?"

Victoria looked up at him,

"He is. He's so...Rob's calmer when he's around."

Adam rubbed Victoria's arm,

"Yeah...he's doing better."

Victoria looked back at Robert,

"He's still so...he just seems so small."

"He's better though. Had a whole conversation with him earlier. Til he got bored."

"He's not getting bored Adam he can't concentrate. The doctor said it’s a coping mechanism. Some way for his brain to shut down and he won't have to deal with everything. Whatever he went through...it must have been...so horrible."

Her voice cracked and Adam wrapped his arms around her,

"It's okay..."

"No it's not. He...Adam he was so broken and no one noticed."

"You couldn't have done anything babe, he ran away."

She wiped her eyes and took a breath,

"I shouldn't have abandoned him."

Adam kissed her head,

"You didn't abandon him."

Victoria nodded and looked up at Adam,

"I'm gonna spend some time with him."

Adam nodded and kissed her,

"Want me to wait?"

She shook her head,

"No...No it's okay. You and Aaron go...do something."

"Okay...just text me or something I'll come get you."

"Thanks."

She took another breath and broke away from his embrace. She walked over and knocked on the door before opening it. Robert looked up and smiled,

"Vic."

She smiled at him and Aaron nodded,

"I'll go and get a drink. You guys want anything?"

Robert shook his head as Aaron stood up; stopping when the hand grabbed his wrist,

"Come back yeah?"

Aaron took his hand,

"I'm not going anywhere. Promise."

Robert let go of him and looked away as Aaron nodded at Victoria; squeezing her shoulder quickly as he left. Victoria walked over and sat beside Robert,

"How you feeling today?"

Robert looked at her,

"Better. I slept more."

"Yeah? That's great."

He nodded,

"How's home?"

She faltered slightly,

"S'fine Rob. Don't worry."

He watched her for a moment,

"Bet Andy wishes I died."

Victoria frowned,

"Don't say that Rob. No he doesn't."

Robert scoffed,

"Yeah right. I'm sure he's absolutely thrilled I managed to survive two suicide attempts."

Victoria rubbed his hand,

"Rob....can you talk to me?"

He looked over at her,

"About what?"

She watched his face,

"About why you did it? Why you tried...to."

Robert looked down,

"I can't Vic."

He met her eye again,

"I'm sorry...I just can't."

She nodded,

"Okay...you know I'm here when you are ready to talk don't you?"

He squeezed her hand,

"I know. I love you for it."

She got up and climbed onto the bed; resting her head on Robert's chest as he wrapped his arms around her,

"I love you Rob."

He kissed her head,

"Love you too."

 

"How are you doing today?"

Robert shrugged,

"Alright."

"You ready to talk? You told me yesterday that you would."

Robert fiddled with the cushion beside him,

"Robert?"

He met the doctors eye,

"They're giving me methadone."

The doctor nodded,

"That's normal. For the heroin withdrawal."

He nodded,

"Yeah."

He scoffed,

"Didn't think it'd end up like this."

"Like what?"

He looked at her,

"Like this. Me in a shrinks office and stuffed full of anti-psychotics."

"They're helping you aren't they?"

Robert looked away,

"Robert? Are they helping you?"

He shifted on the seat,

"Robert?"

"Yes! Okay? They're helping. It's amazing. I'm cured. I'm no longer crazy."

The doctor sighed,

"You're not crazy first of all. You had a breakdown."

Robert looked at her,

"And what is that exactly? It's me going crazy. Snapped, loopy, whatever."

The doctor wrote something on her notepad,

"Is that how you see yourself? As crazy? Is that why you keep using that word?"

Robert huffed out a laugh,

"No that uh...that's a whole different word."

He picked the cushion back up,

"What word would you use?"

Robert shrugged,

"What would you describe me as?"

The doctor cocked her head,

"Me?"

Robert shrugged again,

"Yeah."

She put her pad down,

"Strong. Survivor."

Robert scoffed,

"Fixable."

Robert met her eye then shook his head,

"So go on. How would you describe yourself?"

Robert glanced at the floor and fell silent for a moment. The doctor was about to speak again when Robert looked up,

"Mistake."

He nodded; satisfied with the way the word felt on his tongue,

"Definitely mistake."

He shrugged and focused on the cushion,

"You're not a mistake Robert. Not in the slightest."

He smirked,

"Thanks but I don't think you're gonna have anyone agree with you."

He shook his head,

"Can we change the subject please?"

The doctor wrote something down and sat up,

"When I'm given a new patient I'm given all their files. And I have yours. Including the police report when you came in."

Robert frowned and focused on the cushion in his hands,

"So?"

The doctor watched him for a moment,

"The police report indicated that you had some...injuries. That are consistent with a sexual attack."

Robert stopped and cleared his throat,

"I wasn't. I know that's what everyone thinks but...I wasn't...raped."

He met her eye,

"I wasn't."

The doctor nodded slowly,

"So where did the injuries come from?"

Robert shifted,

"Robert?"

He sighed,

"It's not rape. Okay? It's not...it's not rape if they pay you for it."

The doctor glanced away then looked back,

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Robert shook his head,

"No. No I don't."

The doctor nodded,

"Okay. We'll come back to it."

Robert sighed and dropped his head back on the sofa.

"Tell me about Aaron."

He lifted his head,

"No."

"Robert?"

"I said no."

"I think it would-"

Robert jumped up from the seat,

"ARE YOU DEAF? I SAID NO."

The doctor lifted her hands,

"Okay. We'll leave it. For now."

Robert rubbed his face then put his hands on his hips,

"Fine."

The doctor looked up at him,

"How about we leave it there? It'll be lunch time soon anyway."

Robert scoffed,

"Yeah. No I'm excited. Can't wait for them to shovel more crap down my throat."

"You've still no appetite?"

He looked over from his position; having started pacing around the room,

"Oh no I have an appetite. For the drugs. But for the slop here? Nah."

"You're going home soon, maybe it'll improve."

Robert nodded and picked up a book,

"Do people actually read these in here?"

"You're shutting me out again Robert."

He looked at her,

"Can I go then? Miss?"

The doctor sighed and stood up,

"Tomorrow then."

Robert folded his arms,

"For the rest of my life."

The doctor put the notes away,

"No, not for the rest of your life."

Robert nodded,

"Can I go?"

She picked up her ID and gestured to the door,

"Let's go."

Robert nodded again and left the room; heading back to his own with the doctor by his side.

 

"Okay. I think we have everything."

Robert shoved his hands in his pockets and watched Victoria,

"Stop fussing."

She clicked her tongue,

"Leave me alone. I just wanna make sure I don't forget anything."

Robert gave a small smile and looked down at his feet,

"Just lemme know when you're ready."

Victoria looked at him and stopped; she'd seen her brother in worse states over the last six weeks in the hospital but that day he looked so small, so defeated. It chilled her and as she walked over and wrapped her arms around his still slight body she had to bite down on her lip to keep from crying. She pulled away and pressed a hand to his cheek,

"I'm so proud of you Rob."

Robert frowned,

"Why?"

She pushed his hand through his hair,

"What do you mean why? Look how far you've come."

Robert looked at her; wanting to smile at his sister but unable to. Instead he nodded,

"We should go. Beat traffic and all that."

She rubbed his arm and hitched his bag over her shoulder,

"Come on."

He sighed and followed her from the room; not speaking a word as they headed toward the car.

 

"Welcome home"

Robert didn't speak as Diane pulled him into a hug. He glanced around then rubbed his arm,

"Can I go lie down?"

"You don't want to eat something?"

Robert looked to Victoria and Aaron as they stood smiling at him,

"Can I go lie down?"

Victoria's smile dropped slightly and she nodded,

"Yeah of course. You go. Do you want me to bring you something up?"

Robert ignored her; picking up his bag he left the room without a word and headed up the stairs. Victoria watched him for a moment and rubbed the back of her neck. Diane put her hand on her back as Victoria's tears started to fall; pulling her into a hug as she started to sob.

 

He stared at the ceiling; watching the shadows move slowly. He could hear them downstairs and he rolled onto his side; pulling the pillow around and holding it tightly against him. It sounded like they were laughing; the voices in his head whispering to him that he was alone. That they hated him. He squeezed his eyes shut and clamped his hand to his ear; willing the voices to shut up. He pulled himself into foetal position and held on. The laughter grew louder in his head; making him feel sick. He heard a familiar voice in the middle, someone trying to get his attention. He'd been fighting it for weeks but they didn't stop,

"Psst."

The laughter grew and he let out a sob,

"Please no."

"Psst."

He pushed his head into the pillow and covered his ear again,

"Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone."

The hand on his arm made him jump; he flipped over and stared up at Aaron,

"Woah...sorry sorry sorry."

Robert gasped for breath and looked around; the room was silent and growing dark.

"Can I sit?"

Robert reached out and grabbed his arm,

"Real."

Aaron sat slowly and grabbed Robert's hand; bringing it to his face,

"I'm here. I'm real. Promise."

Robert nodded as he tried to get his breathing under control,

"That's it...in and out...you're okay. You're safe. Remember where you are?"

Robert nodded,

"Vic's. I'm at Vic's."

Aaron smiled,

"There we go."

He squeezed Robert's hand and looked over at the bedside table,

"You've been asleep a while. I got you some food. And your meds."

Robert looked over at the plate of toast,

"Peanut butter."

Aaron smirked,

"You like peanut butter."

Robert nodded and looked down,

"They all gone now?"

Aaron shook his head and reached for the plate,

"Vic and Diane are downstairs."

He tore a bit of the toast and gave it to Robert.

"What was so funny?"

Aaron frowned,

"Funny?"

Robert looked at him,

"Earlier. You were all laughing."

Aaron watched him for a moment,

"No one was laughing, Rob. You sure it was laughing?"

Robert frowned,

"Maybe...maybe not then."

Aaron reached out and stroked his cheek gently,

"Okay?"

Robert nodded,

"Want some help?"

He looked at the toast in his hand,

"I'm not a baby."

Aaron smiled gently,

"I know that. You're a great big man."

Robert half smiled and looked at the table again,

"What time is it?"

Aaron checked his watch,

"Almost six."

"When are you going home?"

Aaron looked at him,

"You want me to go home?"

Robert swallowed and put the untouched toast back on the plate before looking down at his hands. He flexed his hand, making it into a fist and then looking at Aaron,

"I don't think I can do this."

Aaron put the plate back and pulled him over; cradling the man as he started to cry. He stroked his arm slowly as he rested his chin on his head,

"It's okay....you're okay."

Robert clung to him; burying his face in his chest as he let it all out.

 

Diane watched the clock as Aaron walked up and down the hallway. Robert still had another twenty minutes in his session; and from the shouting that had come from the room at the start, he wasn't going to be happy when he came out. The door opened and the doctor stepped out; making them all stop and pay attention,

"Could I have a word?"

Diane stood up; Victoria clutching her arm,

"Yes. Yes of course."

The doctor looked down the hall,

"Susan?"

A nurse looked over and walked toward them,

"Yes?"

"Could you just sit with Mr Sugden a bit while I talk to his family?"

She nodded and slipped into the room. The doctor led them down the hall and into her office,

"Take a seat."

They sat and waited,

"I wanted to talk to you about Robert's progress."

"He is making progress yeah?"

The doctor faltered,

"I need you to be prepared for something."

"What?"

The doctor entwined her fingers and leant forward,

"He...might never be the Robert you knew before this."

Victoria looked away and she sighed,

"I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need to be prepared for this. How he is now, there's a possibility that this is as good as he gets."

Victoria wiped her eyes as Aaron rubbed her back. The doctor passed her a tissue,

"He said he's moved back into your house?"

Diane answered for her,

"Yes. He's never alone."

The doctor nodded,

"That's good. I think it's what scares him, not having you there."

She looked at Aaron for a moment then at her notes,

"I want to keep him on his current medication. They seem to be keeping him calm."

"He's sleeping better."

She nodded again and turned a page,

"Has he talked to you? About what happened? What he saw?"

Aaron shook his head and looked to the other two,

"Not to me. Has he..?"

They shook their heads,

"How is he with being physical? Not sexually. Just...contact."

"He's been okay. I mean he's not been reaching out for anything but...he's been okay."

The doctor nodded,

"It's normal, for someone who's been through his situation to not want to be touched too much."

Victoria shook her head and stood up,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't."

She fled the room; Diane following behind.

"I'm sorry to upset them."

Aaron shook his head,

"It's okay."

The doctor watched him for a few moments,

"He talks about you Aaron. Not often...he doesn't like to be asked. But it comes back to you. Always. And I honestly think that you might be the one who can help pull him through whatever he has blocking his mind."

Aaron frowned,

"Me?"

"Has he told you? That it was you he saw?"

Aaron nodded tightly,

"The first time he uh....he was talking to him. Me."

He shook his head as the memories of that night came back,

"He was talking to others as well. I don't...I never asked him why. Why it was me that he saw."

The doctor shrugged slightly,

"The brain is a funny thing. His mind wanted to see you, so he did."

Aaron rubbed his face,

"He keeps...he has to check that I'm real. All the time. That's what he does when he sees me. He grabs me and he checks. Will....will that stop?"

The doctor sighed,

"It's hard to tell. It might be that the anti-psychotics help him centre and he'll learn that you're real. You're not going to go away. Or it might be that he always needs that reassurance. That he needs to know that he's safe. I can't tell you for sure what it'll be."

Aaron nodded again,

"Aaron...he's not going to snap back and be the person he was. He's clean now. Sober. But his brain has had a lot of trauma. And without him telling us we don't know exactly how much he's hurt. He refuses to open up, and without that, there's a chance he'll relapse. His anxiety about being alone, about falling back into that life is what's stopping him from progressing."

Aaron took a deep breath,

"I can handle...this. Now. I can do that for him. I-"

He rubbed his face,

"I'm not leaving him. If that's what you're worried about. I'll never leave him. I.....I love him."

The doctor smiled gently,

"He needs that. You might want to tell him."

Aaron scoffed,

"Think he'd believe it?"

The doctor shrugged again,

"I can't answer that."

Aaron looked down at his hands for a moment then nodded,

"Thanks doctor."

He stood up as the doctor did as well and shook her hand,

"It'll be okay. We'll see you Friday for his session."

Aaron smiled briefly and left the room. Pausing to take a breath outside the door before fixing a smile to his face and heading to meet the others.

 

"You okay?"

Robert didn't answer,

"Rob?"

He looked over at Victoria and frowned,

"What's that?"

Victoria smiled gently,

"You okay?"

"I'm tired."

She pushed her hand through his hair,

"Do you want to go to bed?"

Robert leant into the touch,

"I don't know where I am."

Victoria's heart broke at the sound of his voice, reminding her of a child.

"You're at home."

Robert moved closer; resting his head on her shoulder and putting his arm around her middle and closing his eyes,

"You're so much like mum, Vic."

Victoria frowned,

"I am?"

Robert didn't answer and Victoria looked down to see him fast asleep. She held him close and kissed his head; settling into the sofa and watching the TV.

 

_Robert stared at himself in the mirror, gripping the sink tightly as he leant closer to the glass,_

_"You gonna do it?"_

_He turned and looked at Aaron in the door,_

_"No."_

_Aaron nodded and walked toward him; running his fingers over his bare arm,_

_"You want to though..."_

_He leant in to whisper in his ear,_

_"Don't you?"_

_Robert swallowed hard,_

_"I'm better."_

_"That's a joke."_

_Robert looked at his reflection again,_

_"I'm better."_

_He looked over to find the room empty; taking a shaky breath he turned and gasped at the sight of Aaron lying unconscious in the bath tub,_

_"Aaron?"_

_He walked over; clamping a hand to his mouth when he saw the state of him, Aaron was still dressed; staring blankly at the wall. His shirt was covered in vomit, his chin as well. He had a trickle of blood running from his nose and over his lips, one arm was slung over his stomach and the other hung over the side of the bathtub, his sleeve rolled up and a needle, still in his skin with an empty syringe in the crook of his elbow._

_"Aaron?"_

_Robert dropped to his knees; he reached out to touch him, groaning at the cold of his skin,_

_"Aaron please....please wake up."_

_He turned; looking around toward the door,_

_"HELP ME! PLEASE!"_

_The hand grabbed him so quickly he fell to the ground; gasping in fear as Aaron lurched over edge of the bath, pulling Roberts arm toward him and slamming the needle that was in his arm into Roberts. He pulled him close and laughed,_

_"Gotcha."_

 

"Rob?"

Victoria ran into the room as Robert was screaming; tangled in the duvet as he tried to escape the nightmare. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tight until the nightmare ended,

"Shhh shhhh it's okay. You're okay. You're okay."

Robert gasped for breath; pushing her away and checking his arms before putting his head in his hands and letting out a pained scream. Victoria grabbed him again and he sobbed as he clung to her; tears streaming down his face and sweat soaking his shirt,

"A-Aaron. Aaron."

Victoria pushed the hair from his face and made him meet her eye,

"He's okay. He's okay. I promise he's okay. Come on. Wake up. Come back to me. Come on."

Robert met her eye and nodded,

"That's it...breathe in and out. There you go. There you go."

Robert breathed slowly, his breathing returning to normal as Victoria clasped his hands and breathed with him,

"I'm awake?"

She pressed his hands to her own face,

"You're awake. This is real. This is real."

He nodded again and breathed deeply.

"Okay?"

He nodded and ran shaking hands through his wet hair.

"Let's get you changed. You've sweat through."

He climbed from the bed; grateful that it was only sweat this time that his sister had to sort out.

"Come on, dry shirt, there you go."

She helped him into a dry t-shirt and got him back into bed.

"We need to book another doctor appointment. They said the pills would help with the nightmares."

Robert looked at her,

"He's really okay?"

She stroked his cheek,

"He's fine. You know he's fine. He's gone home for the night. Remember?"

Robert nodded,

"Yeah I remember."

He took her hand,

"I'm sorry."

She clicked her tongue,

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Robert dropped his hand and curled up on his side; Victoria stayed, stroking his hair until he fell back to sleep.

 

"I'm gonna get you something to eat okay?"

They'd not left his side since the nightmare. Robert was grateful at first but soon felt as though he were drowning. Everywhere he turned one of them was waiting for him, waiting to ask him questions or offer him something. He wanted out. The itch under his skin becoming unbearable until all he could do was lash out, first at himself then the others. He nodded at Victoria as she left the room and headed to the kitchen,

"I'll just nip to the bathroom first alright?"

He didn't answer and she didn't push it, she ran upstairs quickly and he took his chance; grabbing his jacket he slipped from the front door and walked quickly. He didn't stop until he was at the other side of the village; he didn't want to be found straight away, wanted to have some peace before he had to go back. He looked around, desperate for a drink but knowing he would never get one in the Woolpack. He looked around again and saw the church, he walked over and tried the door, finding it open he slipped inside and leant against the cool wood of the door before walking down the aisle and slipping into one of the pews. He sat down and looked up at the statue of Jesus on the cross, his mind wandering as the silence of the place settled around him. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath,

"Robert?"

He started and opened his eyes to see Harriet smiling gently at him,

"Sorry I didn't mean to startle you."

He shifted on the pew,

"It's fine."

She watched him for a moment then gestured to the seat,

"Can I join you?"

He nodded and she sat down,

"How are you?"

He glanced at her and she smiled apologetically,

"Sorry. Guess everyone is asking that."

He cleared his throat,

"Pretty much...they told me you're the one that found me. Took me to hospital."

She nodded,

"You were in the graveyard. Do you remember? You thought I was someone else."

He didn't answer and she moved slightly closer,

"You were in a right state."

She watched him again,

"It's good to see you out and about. Although this might be the first time I've seen you in here when it's not a wedding or funeral."

He stared at his hands and shrugged,

"It was quiet."

She nodded,

"And I'm making it loud again. Want me to leave?"

He looked at her and shook his head,

"No."

His voice cracked and he looked down again, Harriet reached out and touched his shoulder gently,

"Robert?"

Robert was silent. He could feel all the words he'd been hiding bubble up inside him. He wanted to tell her. Wanted her to take him in her arms and tell him he would be okay. He looked at her for a moment and shook his head slightly. Harriet rubbed his back slowly,

"You take your time."

They fell into silence, Harriet's mind wandering until Robert's quiet voice brought her back,

"They think I'm better."

He wiped his nose on his sleeve and sniffed,

"They think its all better. And it's not. Nothing is."

He looked at her,

"You can forgive people right?"

She frowned,

"I'm sorry?"

He swallowed,

"You're a vicar. You can forgive? Like...they come in and confess and you forgive and it's okay?"

He ignored the tear as it fell down his cheek and Harriet squeezed his shoulder,

"God forgives."

Robert swallowed,

"Will he forgive me?"

Harriet smiled gently at him,

"You have nothing to be forgiven."

Robert let out a laugh,

"I do."

"You want to tell me?"

Robert looked away and took a breath,

"You don't have to."

He opened his mouth then closed it as the figure on the other side of the church caught his eye. He felt his body grow cold as the man lifted a finger to his lips,

"Robert?"

He looked at Harriet,

"Never mind."

She took his hand,

"Whatever it is. Whatever is going on in your mind...you're not alone. You know that don't you? You don't have to do this alone."

He glanced over at the man still watching him,

"That's the problem."

He met her eye again,

"I'm never alone."

He wiped his eyes quickly and sniffed,

"Thanks for saving my life and all but uh..."

Harriet nodded,

"I'm here whenever you need to talk okay?"

He swallowed; leaning toward her slightly. Harriet took the motion and wrapped an arm around him; pulling his head to her shoulder she rubbed his back slowly as he cried,

"It's okay...you'll be okay."

Robert stayed until all that was left was shuddering gasps. He sat up and wiped his face,

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

He looked at her,

"Thank you."

She put a hand against his cheek,

"You're stronger than you think you are. You'll get through this."

"Promise?"

She smiled at him,

"I promise."

He sighed and nodded,

"I need to go. They're probably looking for me."

Harriet dropped her hand,

"How about I give Victoria a call?"

He nodded slowly and she stood up,

"The church is always open. If you need."

He nodded again and watched her leave before looking down at his hands,

"Baby."

He closed his eyes at the voice,

"Sat here crying your eyes out? No one’s gonna help you. You think she really cares?"

He lifted his hands to cover his ears,

"Psst. Pssssst!"

He opened his eyes and felt sick as the man was kneeing directly in front of him,

"You're gonna give in. You're gonna go back."

He opened his mouth to reply onto to jump as the church door opened,

"Rob!"

Victoria ran over and threw her arms around him,

"Why did you leave like that?"

He glanced over at the space where the man stood and sniffed,

"Sorry."

Victoria squeezed him tightly,

"Don't just leave okay? You need to be at home."

Robert closed his eyes as the frustration began to bubble inside him.

"You know you can't be out on your own. What if you got lost? What if you missed your medication? It's not safe."

Victoria gripped his arms as she talked; Robert didn't respond, his skin was growing hot and he had the urge to run. He glanced away and made eye contact with the man on the other side of the church. He frowned as the man laughed; the noise drowning out what Victoria was saying until he couldn't take anymore,

"Robert are you even listening to me?"

"No."

The man stepped closer to Robert and smiled before speaking,

"She hates you."

Robert stepped back,

"Robert?"

He shook his head and Victoria sighed,

"Come on let's get you home."

She reached for his arm and he shook it free,

"No. I don't-just leave me alone."

"Robert? Listen-"

He snapped, the laughter across the room growing too loud for him to cope,

"NO YOU LISTEN. I DON'T WANT THIS. YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME JUST LEAVE ME ALONE."

Victoria started and reached for him as the laughter grew louder again,

"Rob-"

"JUST SHUT UP."

The place fell silent and Robert took a deep breath,

"I just need...I need...."

He clenched his fists and pushed past; leaving the church and walking quickly until he felt he had enough distance between himself and the church that he could relax. He leant against the wall and slid down; pulling his knees to his chest and putting his head in his hands. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes,

"You're gonna slip. You know you are."

Robert began to cry quietly before lifting his head and looking at Aaron as he sat beside him,

"I know."

Aaron smirked,

"Be like old times."

Robert nodded and sniffed,

"Will you stay with me?"

Aaron nodded,

"Wouldn't miss it for the world."

Robert closed his eyes again and nodded,

"Thank you."

He didn't get a reply. He wasn't expecting one. He already knew he was alone once again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: contains rape and violent behaviour. Heed the warning before reading. Ta.

The clock was loud. Robert was chewing the side of his thumb as he watched it; his leg rocking quickly up and down until Aaron's warm hand pressed against it,  
"Hey."  
Robert looked at him and Aaron squeezed his knee quickly,  
"Okay?"  
Robert nodded and tried to focus on the TV; still chewing his thumb. Aaron watched him for a moment then looked back at the TV himself. Nearly a week had passed since the church and Aaron had barely left his side, neither one. Robert was starting to feel crazy, his skin itching and his head too loud. He couldn't stand the constant chatter around him, the fake smiles and the soft voices. He dropped his hand and tapped it on the sofa arm, over and over then pushed his hands through his hair instead,  
"Robert?"  
He looked at Aaron,  
"What?"  
Aaron watched him, concern etched across his face,  
"Are you okay?"  
Robert glanced at the corner where the other Aaron was stood,  
"I need some air."  
He stood up quickly, Aaron followed,  
"Let's go for a walk then."  
Robert put his hand out to stop him,  
"No. No I want...I need some peace."  
"Robert...come on."  
Robert pushed him back,  
"Just...just let me go. Okay? I'm fine."  
He left quickly, slipping around the corner and doubling over; hands on his knees as he closed his eyes and gulped down air,  
"Pussy."  
He opened one eye and groaned,  
"Go away."  
Aaron knelt down in front of him,  
"Awww what's the matter? Not happy to see me? After all I've done for you."  
Robert stumbled back against the wall and slid down until he was sitting on the ground,  
"The pills are meant to make you go away."  
Aaron smirked as he looked at him,  
"Yeah...doesn't work when you're not taking them though does it? Huh?"  
Robert put his hands through his hair and let out a breath,  
"Just go away."  
Aaron sniffed,  
"You know the drill. You want me gone? Just-"  
He flicked the air,  
"-Poof! And I'm gone."  
Aaron leant in toward him,  
"But you don't want me gone. Do you? Huh? You want me here because I'm the only one that gives a shit if you live or die."  
Robert pushed his hands through his hair and gripped it tightly,  
"Aaron's inside. He's inside."  
"One of us is."  
Robert shook his head as the taunting from the other man grew louder until he couldn't stand it; he scrambled to his feet and pushed his head back against the wall; jaw clenched and hands gripping his own shirt,  
"You need the stuff. Don't you?"  
Robert nodded desperately,  
"Yeah."  
"There's money. In the-"  
"Teapot. In the kitchen."  
Aaron smirked then looked around as they heard Robert's name being called,  
"Better get it before they send out a search party."  
Robert closed his eyes and waited for silence, opening them back up and looking around, he snuck back into the house and straight into the kitchen; reaching for the pot above the fridge and pulling out the wad of twenties that were inside. He looked at the money in his hand; the itch beneath his skin over powering the voice in his head. He shoved it into his pocket and returned the pot to its place. He pushed his hands through his hair and he left.

"I don't know! Because I don't know Vic! Just...he wasn't there? Right...keep looking round there he can't have gone far-Vic he's here. I found him. Come home. Now."  
He hung up and ran across the road to where Robert was sitting on the floor; back against the wall yet head slumped forward and cigarette dangling from his fingers. Aaron dropped to his knees took the cigarette from him, flicking it onto the road and lifting Robert's head,  
"Hey? Hey Rob? Come on, open your eyes for me."   
Robert groaned and tried to push him away,  
"Robert? Come on, please. Please open your eyes."  
Robert forced his eyes open and stared up at Aaron, his mouth falling open and then twisting into a smile,  
"Aaron."  
Aaron shifted and tried to lift Robert straighter,  
"Robert what have you taken?"  
Robert groaned and slumped against him,  
"No no no. Come on. Wake up. Robert? Robert come on, ROBERT."  
He glanced around and noticed the empty bottle of vodka beside him. He gripped Robert's shirt,  
"Hey? Robert?"  
He looked around and shouted for help when he saw Dan walking past,  
"What happened?"  
"I don't know. I don't know we need to just get him in the house."  
Dan pulled Robert up, the man stirring slightly as they put his arms around them both and carried him to the door. Dan stayed until Robert was in the bed then pulled Aaron aside,  
"He needs the hospital, mate."  
Aaron shook his head,  
"He's okay it was drink...He'll be okay."  
Dan pointed at him,  
"Look at him. He's a state. I thought he was better."  
Aaron rubbed his face,  
"He was. He is. He is. Just...Dan please...please let us deal with this okay? If we try and take him back he'll flip out again."  
They turned as the door slammed and Victoria ran up the stairs,  
"Aaron?"  
She ran over and hugged him,  
"He's okay. He's okay."  
She pulled back and pushed him,  
"You were meant to be watching him! What the hell happened?"  
"I'm sorry. Okay? I screwed up but it's not all my fault."  
They didn't notice Dan slip away as they stared at each other,  
"You're blaming me?"  
Aaron put his hands on his hips,  
"I'm not blaming you but..."  
He looked toward Robert's door,  
"He's been wrong for weeks. He ran away from you remember? I just..."  
He sighed,  
"Maybe we can't do this."  
Victoria wiped her eyes,  
"I'm not giving up on my brother."  
"I'm not saying give up on him. I'm saying...get help."  
Victoria shook her head,  
"He just needs us."  
"Vic-"  
"NO."  
She stood straighter,  
"He needs us. He has us. He's not going anywhere."  
She turned on her heel and headed into the room, closing the door behind her and leaving Aaron in the hallway alone.

Robert groaned as he rolled over, his head thumping and every move he made feeling like glass under his skin,  
"Shh shh shh, its okay…I'm here."  
Victoria grabbed the glass of water on the side; putting it to his lips and holding his head,  
"There you go."  
Robert drank then fell back into the pillows,  
"Where am I?"  
Victoria put the glass down and ran her fingers through his hair,  
"You're home."  
Robert swallowed and closed his eyes again,  
“I feel like hell.”  
She sniffed and put her hand through his hair again,  
“That would be the bottle of vodka you put away.”  
He opened his eyes and then looked away,  
“Right.”  
Victoria hesitated a moment then leaned toward him,  
“Why did you do that?”  
He looked at her,  
“I don't know.”  
She gave him a small smile and stroked his cheek,  
"You know you can talk to me don't you? Whatever is going on? Whatever is…on your mind?”  
Robert watched her,  
"Everything's fine. I just needed a drink. That's all."  
She chewed her lip as she tried to read his face before giving up,  
"You should sleep."  
She pulled her hand away and started to stand; Robert grabbed her wrist to pull her back immediately,  
"Wait...don't...don't go."  
She sat back down on the bed,   
"What's wrong?"  
He shifted on the bed,  
"Lay with me?"  
She nodded; laying beside him as he wrapped his arms around her middle,  
"I just need to know you’re here for a bit."  
Victoria swallowed hard, tears threatening to fall,  
"I'm here."  
She kissed the top of his head and held him tighter,  
“I'm right here. Whenever you're ready, okay?”  
He didn't answer, sleep already taking over. Victoria let out a long breath and wrapped her arms around him, closing her eyes and trying to focus on the feel of him there as he slept. 

Robert stared at her from the bed; watching her as she watched him. Neither speaking yet the room felt heavy with words.  
"It wasn't heroin. I know you wanna ask me that. Did I buy it? Did I use it? I didn't."  
Victoria didn't answer him, just kept watching him. He blinked and looked down at his hands,  
"I wanted it. I wanted to find someone and buy it and...But I couldn't. I mean actually couldn't. The guy wasn't..."  
He shrugged,  
"Guess it wasn't meant to be eh?"  
He twisted his hands,  
"I want it though. God I want it. I hurt..."  
He balled his hand into fists,  
"I've never said that...god it hurts I want it so much. It's like...it's like I'm burning. All the time."  
He sniffed,  
"I just feel like everything is crushing me. And I know...I know I deserve it, what I did...Katie. Aaron...you. I deserve this."  
He clenched his jaw, tears pressing at his eyes and his chin trembling,  
"I just want it to stop. I don't wanna keep fighting this. I'm so tired of this Vic. I'm so tired. I can't keep it up. It's too hard. They're gonna win and I'm..."  
He met her eye and frowned,  
"Are you even gonna say anything?"  
He looked down,  
"You're mad at me. I know that. I screwed up."  
He clenched his jaw again,  
"I can't help it. I keep screwing it all up."  
He looked at her again,  
"Please just say something. Victoria?!"  
The door opened suddenly and Victoria walked in,  
"Robert?"  
He looked from the girl in the chair to Victoria standing at the foot of the bed and pushed his palms into his eyes,  
"You okay? I heard you...talking."  
He started as she touched his arm and scrambled from the bed,  
"Robert?"  
He pulled himself up and backed against the wall,  
"Don't touch me."  
She held her hands up,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, look you're safe. Okay? You're safe."  
He glanced over at the other Victoria as she shook her head slowly,  
"No I'm not."  
The real Victoria walked closer to him,  
"Robert please...please it's me."  
The other Victoria started talking then. Whispering at first then growing louder,  
"She hates you. She wishes you were dead. She wants you dead. Waste of space she HATES YOU."  
He fell back against the wall and gripped his hair,  
"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck FUCK. GET OUT! GET OUT GET OUT!"  
He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe until all he could hear was his sister's voice,  
"I wish you never woke up."  
He looked up and glared at the real Victoria,  
"And I wish you never existed. GET OUT."  
"Robert...please...I'm real. I'm real it's me-"  
"GET THE FUCK OUT."  
Victoria couldn't speak; she stepped back and turned to the door as it opened and Aaron appeared,  
"Hey, I heard shouting, everything-"  
Victoria pushed past him as she ran out the room.  
"-Vic? What is it?"  
He looked over at Robert who was heading back to the bed and pulling a shirt on,  
"Robert? Hey?"  
He moved to grab him only to have Robert grip him and slam him back against the wall,  
"DO NOT. TOUCH ME."  
"Whoa. Easy...easy. It's me."  
Robert hesitated for a moment then dropped his arms,  
"Okay?"  
He stepped back and grabbed his jeans,  
"I have to go."  
Aaron frowned,  
"Go? What do you mean go? Hey?"  
He stopped Robert and forced him to meet his eye,  
"Go where?"  
"Out."  
"I'll go with you."  
Robert looked down at Aaron's hands on him,  
"He wants to keep you here."  
He glanced over at the Victoria watching them then back to Aaron,  
"Come on....we'll take a walk. We can chat yeah?"  
"He wants to keep you here so he can turn you into someone else. He hates you as much as I do. He's trying to kill you. Starve you out so you'll pay for what you did. He never loved you."  
"Robert?"  
Robert met his eye,  
"Get the hell off me."  
He pushed Aaron back and walked past him. Aaron reached out to grab him,  
"Robert you can't go-"  
"TOUCH ME AGAIN AND I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF."  
Aaron looked at him, surprised and hurt,  
"Robert I'm trying to help you."  
Robert pushed him back; exasperated,  
"I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. I DON'T WANT YOU OR HER OR ANYONE TO HELP ME I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."  
Aaron stepped back,  
"What the hell happened? You were getting better you-"  
He stopped and swallowed hard. Stepping back and rubbing his face,  
"Show me your arms."  
Robert started slightly,  
"Excuse me?"  
Aaron stood straighter,  
"You're not right. You've not been right for weeks. You're on it again aren't you? Somehow...somehow you're on it again."  
Robert clenched his jaw,  
"No."  
Aaron scoffed,  
"Look at you. You're a mess. You're a liar."  
Robert pushed him back,  
"Fuck you. I'm not lying."  
Aaron pushed him,  
"Then show me. Come on. Show me-SHOW ME."  
Robert scoffed and turned to leave; Aaron following him as he left the bedroom,  
"You can't can you? Because you're using again. Because you're a liar. YOU'RE A LIAR-"  
Robert spun around and surged forward; letting out a roar of anger as he slammed him against the wall; pressing his forearm against Aaron's throat,  
"I am not...lying."  
"Robert!"  
Victoria was pulling at him as he pressed down hard on Aaron's throat; making the man choke as he gasped for breath and tried to free himself.  
"ROBERT."  
Victoria's shout made him stop and pull away; Aaron immediately fell to his knees and coughed as he tried to breathe; Victoria moved to help him before looking up at Robert,  
"What the hell is going on?"  
Robert wiped his nose and yanked his sleeves up, showing Aaron his arms,  
"I'm clean you arsehole."  
He ignored them both as they shouted for him; running down the stairs and slamming the front door as he left the house.

It didn't take him long; the urge inside him to score overtaking the voice inside telling him to stay clean. He headed into town and walked until he found the place that he knew he would find someone. A short conversation and the press of some twenties into the guys hand and he had what he needed. He asked about his friends; an address whispered in his ear and he was soon sitting on a sofa in a living room; spliff in between his fingers as he watched the others snorting lines and drinking themselves into a stupor. He took a drag of the spliff and passed it to the person next to him; glancing up and catching the eye of a young blonde girl. He smiled at her as she picked up two bottles of beer and headed over to him.   
"Hi."  
She sat beside him and handed him one,  
"Hi."  
She took a drink and put the bottle down,   
"Lucy."  
Robert sat up straighter,  
"Robert."  
She took his hand and leant closer,  
"I haven't seen you here...do you know Ricky?"  
Robert took a gulp of beer and nodded, putting the bottle down and moving to face her,  
"Haven't seen him in a while...I've been..."  
She looked down at his arm, warm fingers tracing over the faint lines,  
"Getting clean?"  
He looked into her blue eyes; a blue that looked familiar, a blue that made his heart skip,  
"Yeah. Something like that."  
She lifted her own arm,  
"I did that once."  
He looked down; faint marks spattered her pale skin, mingled with fresh ones,  
"Do you have any?"  
Lucy smiled at him,  
"I might...what's in it for me?"  
"Why are you here?"  
Robert glanced over to see Aaron and he swallowed,  
"Why are you here?"  
Lucy turned his head to face her again,  
"Hey?"  
Robert pulled her close; pressing his hands to her face and looking into her eyes,  
"I can make you feel good."  
She bit her lip and leant in,  
"Come on."  
She stood up and took his hand,  
"Where are we going?"  
He stood and glanced at Aaron still watching him before letting Lucy pull him from the party and out into the street,  
"Hey?"  
He pulled her back,  
"Where are we going?"  
She walked to him; pressing her body against his and lifting herself onto tip toes to be able to meet his lips. She tucked a stray hair behind his ear and flicked her tongue out against his bottom lip,  
"The happiest place on earth."  
Robert swallowed, his eyes fluttering shut as she cupped him through his jeans. She smiled as she looked at his face,  
"You're beautiful."  
He opened his eyes and looked at her,   
"Is this real?"  
She smiled at him; her hand in his hair and the other on his belt,  
"Yeah it's real."  
Robert nodded slightly; gripping her hips and kissing her fiercely. They finally broke apart, panting and desperate,  
"I live round the corner. Come on."  
Robert hesitated,  
"I need stuff."  
She pulled him in,  
"Don't worry...I have all kinds of treats."  
Robert nodded and let her pull him down the road and toward her flat.

Robert couldn't tell anyone what he'd taken; pills and powders had passed them both but he was desperate for more. Lucy had made a phone call as Robert took another line and then returned for another round. He'd gripped her tightly as she rode him; the feel of her beneath his fingers anchored him as the room melted around him. The voices in his head becoming louder as they lay sweating, tangled in the sheets. The only time his mind was silent was the few minutes after the drugs kicked in. He chased it. Ached for it.  
"Baby?"  
He looked at Lucy and smiled; rolling them over and kissing her deeply until she pulled away,  
"I want you. I want you again...please. Please."  
He cupped her face,  
"Shhhh I got you."  
He moved, kissing his way down her body until he was between her legs; her thighs keeping his head in place as he started to lick and suck her. She moaned; the noise filling his mind as his fingers dug in to her soft flesh. He closed his eyes as focused solely on the rhythm of his tongue darting inside her then over her clit, sucking on the swollen nub then back to thrusting inside her as she rocked against his face and moaned his name. He didn't hear the door open, and she didn't stop rocking against him and moaning until her hand was in his hair and she was yanking him up,  
"No more...no more."  
She collapsed into the bed as he wiped his mouth. It was then he noticed the man watching them as he rolled a cigarette. Robert knew him; flashbacks of being on his knees in front of him in a dirty room flooded his mind and he looked away. The man chuckled,  
"I wondered how long it would be before I saw you again. How you been?"  
Robert sat on the edge of the bed and shrugged,  
"Fine I suppose."  
The man looked at him and smirked,  
"I hear you're in the market for a little favour."  
Lucy pushed her hand through his hair and kissed his neck,  
"Yeah. You got it?"  
The man popped the now rolled cigarette in between his lips and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small bag of brown powder and shaking it,  
"This what you want?"  
Robert brushed Lucy away as she sucked his earlobe into her mouth,  
"How much?"  
The man looked him up and down,  
"Sixty."  
Robert scoffed,  
"For that much? Bullshit."  
"Look I'm taking a loss on this mate. You either want it or you don't."  
Robert clenched his jaw, his mouth practically watering at the thought of the drugs in his system.  
"How about a deal? Like last time? I'll do whatever you want."  
"You gonna make me share you?"  
Robert looked at Lucy and then at the man,  
"What do you say?"  
The guy shook his head; taking the cigarette from between his teeth and popping it behind his ear,  
"No deal."  
He stood up, Robert jumped to his feet and grabbed him,  
"Okay...okay..."  
He reached for his jeans and pulled out some crumpled money,  
"I only have forty five."  
The man scoffed and turned to leave again,  
"Wait, please."  
Robert chewed his lip as he tried to think,  
"What do you want?"  
Lucy stood up and walked over to the man; leaning up to whisper in his ear. He looked at Robert and then nodded,  
"Fine."  
Lucy smiled as she left the room; returning moments later with a bag and some more money,  
"Here."  
Robert held the money out to him and he took it, shoving it in his pocket then taking his jacket off. Robert looked at him expectantly,  
"Well?"  
The man sat on the bed,  
"You're still fifteen quid short. I reckon you got some making up to do."  
Robert frowned,  
"You what?"  
The man looked at Lucy and then at Robert;  
"See normally I'd be gone by now."  
He stood up again and looked the naked Robert up and down,  
"But you're always a good turn."  
Robert swallowed,  
"What?"  
The man smirked,  
"Come on mate, you know what I'm on about. Everyone knows Robert Sugden. Always around for a good time...whore himself out for another gram-"  
"I'm not a whore."  
The man laughed,  
"Course you are. You sell yourself for drugs and you love it."  
Robert looked away; clenching his jaw hard.   
"I mean you can't deny it. Crazy Sugden chatting to himself as he lets everyone fuck him? You're a party in itself. A joke. We all laugh about it, how desperate you are for another hit."  
"Fuck you."  
The man laughed,  
"That's your job mate. Now...You're gonna be a good little boy and you're gonna get on your knees for the smack in my pocket...aren't you?"  
Robert looked at him,  
"I'm not a whore."  
The man scoffed and looked him up and down,  
"Sure you're not."  
Lucy pushed his arm,  
"Leave him alone."  
She turned to Robert; pushing her hand through his hair,  
"He's beautiful."  
She looked at the man,  
"Let's have some fun."  
The man grinned, walking past Robert with a smirk and taking the bag from Lucy's hand,  
"Got any beers?"  
"In the fridge."  
Lucy turned to face Robert; cupping his face so he looked at her,  
"You okay?"  
He met her eye and straightened up,  
"I'm fine."  
She moved closer to press against him,  
"I don't think you're a whore."  
He looked at her,  
"Get the stuff."  
Lucy smiled and kissed him quickly,  
"You're gonna be amazing baby, you're gonna blow us all away."  
He narrowed his eyes then looked away,  
"Come on."  
He nodded and followed her as they walked back to the bed.

Robert couldn't move. His body felt like it wasn't even his, like he'd floated away. He reached up to try and touch Lucy only to find the distance too much. He stared over at the table where the needle lay and he blinked,  
"Baaaaaby."  
He couldn't answer her. He closed his eyes and dropped his hand as he felt himself being moved. He rolled onto his stomach and groaned,  
"Aaron?"  
The voice in his ear made his skin crawl,  
"Crazy Sugden."  
He opened his eyes and tried to pull away,  
"No."  
He hands on his hips held him down in place,  
"No...no!"  
He couldn't move, the weight against his body pinning him to the bed,  
"Get off me. GET-"  
The hand clamped over his mouth and he could hardly breathe let alone anything else; the pull of his arm behind his back made him cry out; the drugs in his system not numbing him enough to cover the pain when the man forced himself into him. He screamed against the palm covering his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut,  
"I'm right here."  
He opened his eyes to see Aaron before him; he tried to say his name his free hand grasping at the sheets as the man took him harder,  
"I'm right here it's okay."  
His vision blurred; tears falling from his eyes before he finally slipped into unconsciousness.

He didn't know where he was. That was his first thought. He looked around and sat up slowly. He climbed slowly to his feet; wincing at the pain in his behind. The memories came flooding back at once and he stumbled; hunching over and heaving onto the road. He gripped the wall and took a deep breath,  
"It's okay. It's okay..."  
"Robert?"  
He looked over and groaned at the sight of Victoria,  
"Why are you here? Why can't you just leave me alone?"  
She looked at him,  
"You're pathetic you know that? Letting him do that to you? You're a whore."  
He fell back against the wall and pushed his hands through his hair,  
"I didn't want it! It was r-"  
He coughed; bile rising in his throat as he tried to say it. Victoria's voice was loud in his ears,  
"You wanted it. You wanted him to do it.”  
Robert shook his head,  
“No…no no no.”  
Victoria’s voice was harsh,  
“It wasn’t rape. You can't rape a whore."  
He lashed out; his hand hitting nothing as the image of her moved; his voice breaking as he begged her,  
"Shut up. Just shut up!"  
She started laughing then; a sound once so sweet to his ears now cut him deeper than any blade,  
"Are you crying? You're pathetic. I hate that you're my brother. I hate you."  
Robert looked at her, fists clenched in a vain attempt to control his anger,  
"I said shut up."  
He pushed himself from the wall and started to walk; ignoring his sisters taunting voice as he tried to find his way home. Her voice was constant the entire way; driving him insane until he screamed for her to leave him alone. He was met with a laugh,  
“Say the magic word?”  
He closed his eyes,  
"Please?"  
He turned, walking away again,  
"I wish you died in that graveyard."  
He spun around at the words only to find himself alone. Wrapping his arms around himself he sniffed and kept walking.

The house was quiet when he fell into the kitchen; landing against the counter and letting out a groan of pain,  
"Fuck."  
He pushed his hands through his hair and closed his eyes; moving a pair of scissors out of the way and resting his elbows on the counter,  
"Robert?"  
He didn't move,  
"I told you to leave me alone."  
She moved closer,  
"Robert? Please just...talk to me."  
He clenched his jaw and tightened the grip on his hair,  
"Just go. Away."  
He closed his eyes again,  
"Robert? What the hell is going on? Why are you doing this? Robert-"  
He moved quickly; anger erupting inside him and clouding his vision. Before either could realise what was happening he had Victoria against the wall; one hand gripping her shirt and the scissors in his other hand against her throat,  
"I told you to shut up! You shut your mouth!"  
Victoria could only gasp; her body filled with a fear she'd never felt before; she looked into his eyes, trying to see her brother but seeing only anger and fear,  
"Robert.."  
He pressed the blade against her throat,  
"You're gonna stop. You hear me? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of your constant talking in my ear. Constant constant you SHUT UP."  
Victoria started and trembled; tears falling down her cheeks,  
"Please don't do this."  
She swallowed and gripped his arm,  
"I love you-"  
"SHUT UP."  
He gripped the scissors tightly; blood rushing in his ears. He was about to press the blade harder when he heard the laughter. He turned his head; horror filling his body as he saw his sister laughing at him from the other side of the room.   
“Y-you’re not here. You're not here.”  
The Victoria across the room stepped closer,  
“She’s not real. She wants to hurt you. I'm real. I'm the one you need.”  
Victoria's hands reached Robert’s and his head whipped around to look at her; pressing the blade into her flesh,  
“SHE HATES YOU.”  
“YOU’RE A LIAR.”  
Tears spilled down her cheeks as she tried to stay calm,  
“R-Robert? Listen to me…it's-it's okay. It's okay.”  
He looked at her and shook his head slightly,  
“You're not her, you're not her.”  
Victoria gasped,  
“Rob…I'm real. I'm here. You know it's me…please…please you know it's me.”  
She reached up and touched his face; the mist of anger leaving him so suddenly he had to shake his head again,  
“Vic…?”  
He gasped as realisation hit him and he jumped back; dropping the scissors to the floor and looking at Victoria,  
"I..."  
He shook his head,  
"No no no no no."  
Victoria reached out for him,  
"It's okay...it's okay I wanna help you."  
Robert turned; lurching over to the sink and throwing up over and over until he was gasping and coughing Victoria moved over to him; reaching out to touch his back,  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
He looked at her; tears pouring down his face,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  
He gripped her tightly,  
"Oh god I'm going fucking crazy."  
He slid down until he was sat on the floor; his knees to his chest and his hands in his hair,  
"It's okay Rob...it's gonna be okay."  
"Vic?"  
"In here!"  
Robert could barely think; everyone was too loud, too busy. He had to get out. Aaron was asking him questions, he didn't know what he was saying he just nodded along. Adam was near him, he knew that, he knew they were touching him and talking to him until he couldn't breathe. His skin hurting with the urge to run away.   
"I love you Vic."  
She looked at him,  
"What?"  
He looked around at all the people staring at him; blurring into one another, a mix of reality and his own broken mind,  
"Stop it. STOP IT."  
He smacked the side of his head in an attempt to make them stop.  
"Robert! Stop!"  
Victoria reached for him; grabbing his wrists,  
"Robert, stop! Stop!"  
He was panicking; everything becoming too much and he couldn't stop; his legs kicking out as he tried to get away,  
"Why won't they stop? I need them to stop please, please just make them stop."  
Victoria edged even closer to him and he pulled away,  
"Robert it's okay. It's okay we're gonna get you some help. Just stay calm okay?"  
He shook his head; laughter screaming in his ears until all he could do was cover them and let out a scream,  
"Robert!"  
It was Aaron's arms around him that made him stop; he hadn't noticed the man scooping him up into a hug,  
"It's okay. It's okay."  
Robert gripped him tightly,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  
He pushed Aaron back and scrambled to his feet,  
"Woah mate, just, calm down."  
Robert wiped his nose and stepped back,  
"Just-just just leave me alone."  
Adam stepped closer,  
"It's gonna be okay. We're getting you help."  
He pushed Adam back,  
"No!"  
He felt behind him for the door handle,  
"I'm sorry but you can't help me. You can't help me."  
He turned then; not giving them a chance to move before he ran.

He didn't even realise he'd stopped running until his knees hit the cold stone of the floor. He looked up; blinking tears down his cheeks as it dawned on him that he was in the church. He stared up at the window and sobbed; covering his face with his hands. A hand on his shoulder made him jump and he scrambled away,  
"Hey...sorry. I'm sorry."  
He blinked up at her; his tears turning to a laugh as he saw her face, he climbed to his knees and reached out to touch her hand,  
"It's you."  
He choked out a laugh,  
"You came back."  
Harriet frowned slightly and looked around,  
"Robert...are you okay?"  
His face crumpled as he shook his head,  
"No."  
She took his hand and knelt down before him,  
"How did you get here?"  
He sniffed and shook his head,  
"I don't know. I don't know."  
He looked at her,  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. Everything I did...I'm sorry Mum I'm so sorry."  
Harriet started slightly at the word, Robert's distress the only thing keeping her from questioning it,  
"Wh-what did you do?"  
Robert looked at her, gripping her hands tightly,  
"I tried. I really tried. You-you have to believe that. I tried to be good, to be a good son and I am aren't I? I am because I tried. I tried."  
Harriet moved a hand to his hair,  
"I know you did."  
He looked at her; tears falling steadily down his cheeks,  
"I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want this. I can't do it anymore. Make it stop mum, please make it stop."  
He gasped out a sob,  
"I don't wanna die Mum."   
He broke down completely; falling forward, his head in her lap and her hands on his head,   
"It's okay. You're okay."  
Robert gripped her; the feel of her against him making everything breakdown as his body shook with sobs.   
"Please help me. I need help I can't do it alone anymore."  
She gripped his head and rubbed his back,  
"You're not alone. You're not alone."  
She looked around for help then tried to get Robert's attention,  
"How about we get you into the back? Yeah?"  
He lifted his head and grabbed her arms, looking at her with scared eyes,  
"Don't leave me again."  
She stroked his cheek,  
"I won't. I'm not going anywhere I promise. Let's just get you in the warm yeah?"  
He nodded again, letting her pull him to his feet and lead him into the back where she sat him at the table and reached for her phone; dialling Victoria's number and looking around in concern toward Robert who was focusing on his hands,  
"Victoria? It's Harriet, I have Robert here...at the church, he's not good. I think you need to call...yeah...okay I'll see you shortly."  
She looked over at Robert; her heart breaking at the sight of a man who was always so confident, stood so tall and proud, now curled in on himself as tears fell down his cheeks. He looked broken, younger than his years, and terrified. She walked over to him and sat beside him,  
"Robert? Do you know who I am?"  
He looked at her,  
"You're my mum."  
She swallowed hard and took his hands,  
"No, sweetheart, no I'm not."  
Robert frowned the shook his head slightly,  
"No...I know you didn't have me. She-she died...but you're my mum. You-you helped me. You loved me, didn't you? You didn't stop? You saved me, that means you still love me."  
She looked at him and reached to cup his face,  
"Robert...what happened? How did you get here?"  
He leant into the touch,  
"I didn't mean it. I didn't. It just got too much. I thought she was..."  
His head whipped around, checking the room for others,  
"Robert?"  
He looked at her,  
"I don't know why this keeps happening."  
Harriet rubbed his arm,  
"It's okay."  
He looked up at her,  
"I need help."  
She pulled him close,  
"We're gonna get you some help. Okay? I promise."  
He hugged her tightly, his body relaxing as his mind finally went quiet; he buried his face in her chest and closed his eyes.  
"I love you mum."  
Harriet didn't answer, instead she simply ran her fingers through his hair and held him tightly. Robert felt as though he were sleeping, his tired body giving in to the exhaustion as he held her. He didn't look up when Victoria came in. Didn't answer her when she spoke. The paramedics came soon after; Adam and Aaron with them. Robert gripped on to Harriet until she helped him out to the ambulance.   
"Don't leave me again?"  
"I won't leave you. Okay?"  
He nodded, letting them strap him into the chair; Victoria climbed in beside him and took his hand,  
"You're okay now."  
He looked at his sister and nodded; closing his eyes as the sedative kicked in,  
"I'm okay."  
Victoria pushed her hand through his hair, the feel if it relaxing him as he slipped into unconsciousness.


End file.
